  Hello again, dear blog. Ok, I can't remember what went into the last post I wrote, but let's assume that not all of what I am about to write has already been written (although, surely some has). So, here goes. Last week, I went out with Katherine, who is an undergrad we has doing some very menial tasks around the lab during the summer. I think katherine is great! She is everything that I wanted to be when I was 20.
I would still like to be some of those things, but I feel like I am too old for some of those traits to be effective and endearing. Anyway, I went to the Marquee's last retro night before a very extended closure for renovations. Katherine rounded up some of her friends, and invite me along. She has done the same in the past, and I never go because I am so social phobic these days, and any effort is too much effort, but since the Marquee was closing, off I go. It was loads of fun, actually, but I was a bit pervie. All of Katherine's friends are 19-20 years old, and Willis, the youngest looking of the bunch, caused me some anxiety (read: I thought he was attractive).
I know, I am only 24, but still. At this point in my life, I feel like that is a huge difference. I think I have picked up alot of indifference in the years between 20 and 24, and I don't see it in Willis' tiny little face, so I am probably pervie. BUT! I need to make another confession in order to highlight a very disturbing trend. I have also previously mentioned my infatuation with the new muchmusic vj, Devon Soltedieck.
Ahhh, Devon. Those pouty lips... the slight figure... the whispy, baby-fine hair hanging into his eyes. Beautiful. If you would like a closer look, go to www.muchmusic.com/vjsearch , and have a look for yourself. I must admit, the resemblence between Devon and Willis is pretty striking. I was horrified when an aquaintance of mine saw a picture of Devon, and suggested I just have a baby if I wanted someone to take care of and coo over.
Holy crap! How did this person, who I barely know, so accurately describe the reality of my dating preferences??! It was in the moment after her comment when all became clear. I like my boys looking young. What is that about??! I am not as pervie as that sounds, but I like Devon's sveltness, and babyface.
How do I get rid of this? OK, maybe I am sick. What do I do??! I actually an soliciting an anwser here. Once I figure out how to repost my comments function, you can all let me know what you think...er, be kind. The idea of having random strangers judge me harshly is still stewing in me.
Also, I wanted to share a bit of my inner self. One of my strangest anxieties... I have a fear of my last breath. Ok, I am not afraid of dying, but of literally taking that last breath. I have no reason to think so, but I feel like everyone knows when they are taking their last breath. I honestly think I would know, and it scares the fuck out of me.
If you don't know what I am talking aboout, then picture it. You are old, you've had a happy life or whatever, and you are dying. Lying in bed, here it comes. You are ready. In....out. Done.
Yikes! What is going to happen?! Even if you are sure, do you really know? I mean, if you knew a gun was empty, would you really test things by putting it to your head and squeezing the trigger? And the anxiety of not knowing is excrutiating! The worst part is that now that I am a conscious, living being, I can't get out of experiencing that last moment.
It really scares me sometimes. Other times, I agree with you... I just sound like a space-cadet. 
