  On Ricki Lake this afternoon guests will "debate the constitutionality of same-sex marriages. " I plan to be there for every. Intellectually Stimulating. Moment. Therefore, this will be brief. Let me say that I received an email on Sunday from the on-line dating service that I had formerly been part of, informing me that I was eligible to sign up for the service again AT NO COST.
I am normally not a sucker for such things, but--well, this weekend I was. The Con-Artist Formerly Known As Unicorn Fiasco really threw me for a loop. I was in need of a little love, a little hope. A little joy. Also, I just really want to be taken out to dinner. AND since, when I go out in real life, no one talks to me.
Ever. I figured I'd live dangerously and take advantage of my three free days of the wonder that is on-line dating. Mistake. Big one. Obviously. This morning, my email was filled with these: Hey u-- Read your profile.
U r so cute. Lol. Think we might have some things in comon. I luv travel, sports, and exploring the city. They're is so much 2 see here. Let me know if u wnat to see it with me.
Now, I think we bloggers all know each other well enough to be REALLY honest by now. To be--for lack of a better phrase--blatantly fucking cunty. So. I MEAN, COME ON. (And, as long as we're at it: You. Over there on the left.
Mini-skirts are not for everybody. Repeat after me, "Mini-skirts are not for everybody. ") My profile uses the word "magnanimous. " Not in a pretentious, uber-academic way, but--it's in there. Nothing is misspelled. As on-line profiles go, it's pretty outstanding.
And I get fifteen-plus variations on, "I'm way cool and into you pretty ladey"? (Southern Belle Boob was trying to get me to write back to that one. She is a sucker for anyone who tells her she's pretty. Cheap hussy. ) And, on the other side of the spectrum, there was one guy who, aside from mentioning that he was Ivy-League educated about--let's see--once a SENTENCE, actually told me his IQ. Like this: Greetings, I am an Ivy-League educated, extremely successful bachelor, looking for a girl who can keep up with me intellectually (IQ 157).
I played squash and tennis for my Ivy-League University... I know, I know. I am being whiny and bitchy BUT I DON'T CARE! I am a great catch. I am smart and pretty. I know the difference between "there" and "their" and "they're.
" And there are a lot of total wackos in this city. Really crazy people, who do all sorts of screwed up things! British Boob: Right-o! Southern Belle Boob: But, Honey, all I'm sayin' is, beggars can't be-- Shut-up. *hits Southern Boob* Shit! Ow!
British Boob: Now, Now. Tut, tut. You too. *hits British Boob* Fuck! erm.... What was I saying? Oh.
um. Never mind. Anyway, I gave up my free days. Not gonna use them. Waste of time. ...
I have to go watch Ricki Lake now. 
