  It is the most beautiful and wonderful thing,  but there is a dark side,  a side we do not see.  The side of when the love is gone,  the absence of it and the fear you have that one day you will have to endure that absence.  I fear I will not be strong enough.  I sit and realize that 18 hrs away is driving me mad as I sit here alone watching tv,  playing games,  reading,  making jewelry,  eating,  pacing,  anything to keep me busy.
 It is funny that in me a know that I don't NEED Nathan to the point that it is a bad thing but I also know the luxury of seeing the world in color,  instead of black and white and now when I go back to the mediocre past in which I once inhibited I am falling apart.  I sit alone here,  I can't turn to Jessica who is in Connecticut with Justin,  I cannot turn to my parents who are in Arizona or my sister who is with them,  not even my other sister who is with her love in Ohio.  The world is suddenly empty and my house so large and spacious.
 Of course the dogs keep me company but it isn't the same.  I guess I should go out to stay busy and go shopping or go just join the world but the world is a scary place and instead I sit hear in hopes that the phone will ring and Nathan will be on the other line telling me he thinks of me.  I know he thinks of me all the time but I never tire of hearing about it.  I should be being productive and cleaning or sorting or something but instead I sit in constant despair until my other half has returned.
 I need to sign up for some art classes or make more friends to fill but time.  It is funny I am so alone now and bored but in just 2 days my family will return and I will be full of not a lonely but a chaotic pain.
 I will suffer the intolerable cruelty of listening to my family quarrel and my sister will be sad at some point and though I try to console her as does my mother then there is my father who just breaks down sometimes and gets so frustrated that I am reminded of crying in my room when I was 6 years as I heard my mother cry and I wished I could do something.  Nathan is my prince charming and has come to save me,  but this isn't a fairy tale and though I can pray that the ending will be happy I will still have this pain.  Then there is my mother who has no one to turn to.  She was so stressed this May her blood pressure got to 210 over something and I had to take her to the hospital.
 I worry,  she watched her father die from a heart attack her there,  and I don't want to see her suffer,  she needs a shoulder to cry on,  but so do I.  No wander I go to therapy once a week,  but anyone who goes knows that it never seems to be at the time you need it,  for some reason the moments that you encounter your physciatrist/ phsycologist is one of the moments in the week that you are ok.
 And so now I cry as I set down the phone,  I hoped it was Nate but instead it's the Democratic part calling for donations.  Can someone tell me why life is the way it is,  I wish everyone could just give and be kind but instead we have hate and pain and sorrow,  and it eats me up inside.  But yet I hate to sit here and cry because then I am hurting the one person who brightens every moment without effort and I hurt my Nathan,
 for when I cry he feels my pain and then that hurts him and it hurts me more,  but I hold back my tears and smile to know that he is happy so s once again am I.  For if I dwell in sorrow I bring him it would only bring him more sorrow and thus continue this painful circle.  I will see him in 2 hours most likely but it is never enough,  I feel so greedy,  and needy but I guess that is who I am,
 I just hope it is good enough,  not for the world but for Nathan.  It is hard,  no matter how much I heal and continue I hold these scars in my soul and will carry them,  because in reality dropping all of my baggage and sorrow would mean starting again and that is even scarier,  because even though it may be less painful somehow this painful world is comforting because it is what I have always known.  Yet I love it when it is gone when I am in Nathans arms and there are no troubles,  the weight is gone,  and for those moments I am truly happy,  I guess I am just terrified of the thought that this feeling that I realize is more than any other I have ever felt could one day end and that is terrifying.
 It is scary to admit it but when I look back on everyone I have ever been with thought I loved or even perhaps did love,  it was nothing like this,  not even if I took what I had to them and put it to the 100th power would it compare to this to the way it feels when my lips touch Nathan and I feel him quiver in my arms and I know for that moment why we are here,  why the world is so hard,  because in fact this love is here.  So if by chance it is all gone when I woke up tomorrow,  this month and a half with Nathan in my life would have made years of suffering worthwhile but I don't want to go back ever,  not now that I am here.  Why would someone leave heaven to endure hell,  thats the way it feels,  I would never give this up,  I would sooner throw all my possesions out the window and run away from it all then give up this feeling give up this love this passion that has taken me over.
 I sit here and type,  I tell myself to stop but I can't express it not in a million words.  I want to come one and just say what I've been up to but am overwhelmed with this feeling to share with the world the hope that exists that is there.  So for those of you who have endured and read my long and senseless ranting take with you these words of advice,  whatever pain you have undergone and continue to undergo there is hope there is love,  when there is war and hate and murder there is love and hope so never give up,  dream and enjoy every second because on one day you will look back and those little moments like singing along in the car and feeling awkward because you know your voice cracks and the person next to you can't take it,  remember those moments are the moments we live for,  those are the true moments that we truly LIVE.
