  realization: being online again probably diminishes your sense of self-worth. You realize your life, or your entertainment, is comprised of invariably self-centered observations from each party, of random comments to which the other party is at a loss to say something sensible. If anything, it's interesting to observe the mechanism of human communication within my small sphere of acquaintances. Mostly talked to friends today, though. I have so many people on my buddy list that I don't bother to talk to anymore but I don't dare take them off...people from summers ago, Abdul's multiple screennames, etc. Hello, I don't even know what I want anymore.
I have been fed. I've covered up to chapter 36 in Bailey, took another disappointing lit test, took a nap. Blogged excessively, but that just fulfills my introspective tendencies and I still deem it healthy. To think: this habit only started about a year ago, and now it seems very natural to write just about anything down. I wonder why I write. It's not because I really want these scattered thoughts to endure.
Catharsis seems too strong a word for inconsequential insecurities of a 16-year-old girl. I probably blog more than anyone I know, but that only includes Enid and Jess. When I can't blog, I take the legal pad and the black pen, sit down and scribble anyways. What am I doing? It's not like I'm building myself up to be some great writer, since it's just little observations. It's written in the same language I use over again.
I could pinpoint some trademark phrases of mine only because I repeat it so much. I almost wish I could read something again that would make me just cry, run to the phone and stay there for an hour or two. But to think about the events leading up to it, I remember it's not going to be too pleasant. Why am I thinking about it too much lately? In all honesty, it was a childish infatuation that somehow lasted too long. I've overcome withdrawal even months ago.
And yet, going home these next three testing days I don't want to see him at all. I imagine that he's taking down observations. About how much I've changed in...how many months? Four. Not bad, I think. I want to do well on those darn SATIIs and APs so I can just sit back and coast, at least for a while.
I want no post-test anxiety. I want something to be happy about. Tomorrow's one exact month until I can take my driving test. It's about time, I don't like standing waiting for Mom where all you can do is stare off in the direction of the cars and pretend that yes, you have something important to do. Or maybe I should stop being the idiotic selfish person I am and see how other people are doing, really. I just talk about the same things over and over and over again.
alla luce dal sole 
