  sometimes i hate new people. sometimes, maybe, it's just so scary. and then i want him back. but he's so far away. i don't hate new people in that way. i just hate the fact that they are not familiar.
that i have to start all over getting to know someone. and it's hard to let myself do that. maybe i'm the kind of girl who should have just fallen in love the first time and stuck with it. i always thought it would be better to date a lot of guys. but now, i think i value familiarity more than experience. i haven't had a lot of relationships.
only one real one. and, in a way, i wish i would have stuck with that one. he's growing up. without me. it's sad how people can drift apart. i guess i just hate to waste my affections on someone if it's not going to be forever.
i'm a one-man kind of girl. give me that one relationship, and I'm gold. I'm the opposite of a player. i want what you want. i want (now I forget). oh yes, i want that person to be in the same place I am.
Or about that place. I don't want him to be too grown up or too immature. but on the same level as me. isn't that what the whole world wants? but maybe it's not so hard. maybe it's not so scary or unfamiliar or hesitent when i finally meet the one who is right for me.
or maybe i shouldn't be so reserved and wait so hard, cause don't we all have an endless stream of love? some substance that never runs out? maybe i need to be reckless in my love and needy and throw myself into opportunity full swing whenever it comes along, throw my head back and drink in the laugher and sunshine. is that it? is that the way to live life when you can't control who likes you or who you meet? one day it will get easy.
one day, i'll want to try, because i'll understand i want forever with that person. just anyone, as much as i try . . . .i can't let myself go. i want to.
i probably should. that way i don't stay a cold, rigid musty old monster, Puritan and grimaced. but i almost don't want to try. i know that i will even for awhile. that's me. i try to settle.
in the end, it just doesn't work out. me and settling. and sometimes i still feel the tears well up when i think of how he loved me. he doesn't anymore. he won't anymore. my pride has been shot and sucked up and when you find that nothing works anymore, you stop believing and just keep it to yourself that, yes, you want him back.
no more careless attempts at everyone to see if you can manipulate the edges of fate into narrowing the distance emotionally between you and him. no, but you don't want anyone else. not in all truth. SOMEONE OUT THERE. YOU. EXIST.
and we can try to make it work and shape our idealistic fantasies into something both earthy and beautiful and perhaps a bit messy. i mean, i have hope for the future. i don't want anyone to think that i'm stupid for being so old chronologically and so not-independent if i stay here, right here, for another year or so. I'll be 24 then. That's not so bad when you take into account that I'll be doing things that I really want to do. Maybe for no good reason but to make myself happy.
Why not, eh? all i ask is that you wait for me. if i'm a little slow, i'm sorry. but i'm wanting us as much as you want us. just don't go off and marry someone else or kiss too many pretty ladies that mean a lot to you or die or something. don't get engaged.
don't become apathetic. just wait. and love God. and I'll be there pretty soon, and hopefully some of the things I do now that I think will be for the best, will be for the best. and the others that aren't, i hope they . .
. well i hope they don't mess things up too much or at all. just trust something. God or yourself or me. No, don't trust me. not yet.
maybe someday when i'm wise. but know that i'm thinking about you all the time. and we all know that thoughts are the most honest prayers anyway. you must be insanely blessed . . . 
