  so last night i was taking some of those silly emode quizzes because i had nothing better to do and some of them are pretty darn amusing. i took one quiz about why i was still single and one of the questions was something along the lines of "how did your last relationship end? " i didn't know which answer to choose. i kind of joked with the person sitting next to me and he was like "don't know which ones actually counted as relationships, hmm? " i really didn't. of the 4 people i've kissed, i think i can absolutely say that i didn't actually date one of them and that i dated 2 of them. the other one, the last person i was intimate with and also one of the guys i'm living in the house with at the moment is kind of iffy.
he overheard the other guy and i talking and he said "i know what would be considered a relationship" but then didn't continue. i wonder what he was going to say. i wonder if in his opinion we had ever been in a relationship. it doesn't matter much i guess, and it's not like i will ever find out. i think someone should really give me a list of definitions for love terms since i really have no idea what the difference is between "dating" and being "boyfriend/girlfriend" and "going steady" and being in a "relationship" etc. of course, i have my own definitions but i think they are warped and don't fit with what other people consider these things to be.
so i ended up not considering my last "fling" a relationship, and instead went with the person i had dated the longest and who had cheated on me with my roommate at the time. needless to say that the results of the test came back as "you're still single because you're afraid to get hurt. " i think that's pretty accurate either way. at the moment i'm happy being single, regardless of what everyone else thinks. i've been kind of in the mindset that i don't ever want to date anyone again and that i'd be perfectly content being single the rest of my life.
that doesn't necessarily mean that i won't go out on a few dates with someone but my desire to be in a "relationship" (meaning dating someone seriously...perhaps being of boyfriend/girlfriend status) has dropped dramatically. i think this is one of the reasons why i went completely against my belief that "friends with benefits" is wrong and messed around with my housemate for as long as i did...everything has lost meaning...i don't feel much these days.
i just don't understand. i don't understand what 2 people are supposed to do with each other all of the time...and how they don't run out of conversation or get sick of the other's company or bored because they have nothing to do. i'm really confused about the whole communication aspect i guess. i haven't ever been in a successful relationship and all of the people i've dated have been as good at communicating as i am (which isn't good at all). i wonder what it's like to actually be in love with someone. i wonder how it feels. i mean, i love certain people but i'm not "in love" with them. i have never been in love with someone, and no one has ever been in love with me. i'm not convinced that pure love truly exists. none of my "relationships" have ever been defined and my mind is boggled by how this actually occurs. every time i've tried to bring it up, the question is either reflected back on me without an answer from them, or given some kind of ambiguous answer that doesn't really give a real answer. maybe i just date assholes that are only looking for someone to mess around with. it's hard because i treat "relationships" like a lot of guys...i am afraid of committing, i won't be the first to say "i love you," i try not to get too attached, and i really like the physical aspects of dating someone. it's sort of frustrating, partly because i sort of expect the guy to make the first move. am i really that girl that no one can ever see themselves with in the future?
and why is that? i'm attractive...smart...nice...have a bright future in front of me...creative...love animals...down to earth...of course, i'm far from perfect but who isn't? i guess there are quite a few turn-offs...like that i'm vegetarian...i'm shy...i'm emotional at times...i'm indecisive...i'm independent...oh, and i suppose all of those traits that i have that are similar to how guys treat relationships doesn't help... it is just so frustrating to look at other people in relationships. most of the time, i'm completely baffled as to why someone is dating the other person. oftentimes, the question arises, "if they can get a boyfriend, then i should definitely be able to find one. " i know that sounds a little conceited...okay, maybe very conceited...but i honestly don't think that i'm a bad catch.
i went from being the girl that everyone wanted to date but never got to because she turned down everyone that asked her out to the girl that no one wants. i just don't understand and i think i've finally given up..."i'm sick and tired of this goddamn love crap...i'm sick and tired of this alligator love trap.
" 
