  I’m somewhat wary about writing this post because I just don’t know what some people’s reactions might be. But then again I have said it before and I will say it again: this blog is for me and me alone. People can read it if they wish but al I have to say is read at your own discretion. But on to the post… I still feel like shit. I think about what I lost and I wonder if I have lost if forever. There is nothing else left for me to do about it though.
I guess I just have to wait and see how things turn out. I can’t change the past and I can’t change how people feel. I just have to work with what I have. I guess I have a tendency to always fuck things up. I suppose practice makes perfect. But I get so close and then I have to blow things.
What I thought I had always wanted was right in front of me and for once it actually seemed attainable. But like I said I just blew it. I screwed things up big time. I don’t want people to feel sorry and I’m certainly not looking for pity. I’m just going to sit here and whine. Why?
Because I can. I will get over it eventually as I usually do. I guess I’ve just become accustom to screwing things up. But now it’s different I guess. Usually I just try to move on with my life but now I’m just too unsure about what is going on. I either move or things work out.
I don’t know if things can work out so I don’t know if I should just try to move on. I feel like I’m stuck in purgatory. I don’t know if I can get into heaven but I’m not quite sent to hell yet. People from xy or something will IM me and talk to me and they ask if I have a boyfriend. What am I supposed to tell them? No, but I don’t want to go out with anyone else either?
But with all that has happened I doubt anything will happen anyway. I know if I were looking at myself right now, I certainly wouldn’t want to go out with myself. And it’s not like I was going out before. Merely hoping. Things were looking good actually. I’m not sure how good but they were at least looking good.
But now I have gone and screwed things up (as usual) and now I’m just back to where I started. I still hope for things to work out but still I’m not sure if they will, at least not after what I did. Looking back I realize the magnitude of what I did and how that can affect someone. Had I known what was going to happen I would never have let things happen. But to be honest I really should not have let anything happen regardless. It’s weird how some people can just motivate you.
Like I see the standards they set for themselves and how they act and I just want to be like that. I want to live up to the standards they set for themselves and I want to be mature like they are. I guess this is kinda directed at someone but anyway… 16 is just a number. It only measures how long I have been on this planet and nothing else. I guess I just wish things were like they were before I went and screwed it all up. I just think where I would be now if I hadn’t been so stupid.
But like I said you can’t change the past, you just have to live with the consequences. Rarg. There are a thousand emotions that I wish I could put into words and put in here. But there are some things that words just cannot describe. Anger, frustration, care, sorrow, anxiety, hope. Words do them no justice.
I just wish that there was a way to describe them; a way for people to see. 
