  I've noticed something today. It's been a while since I've had a real dream. By that I mean a sequence of events in which there is a plot of some sort. I usually just have disturbingly grusome or agressive dreams. I don't know exactly what that means. Is my life stress free? Not at all. Do I have nothing to think about? That's not it. For one reason or another, I have a hunch that I am clinically depressed.
Not in the sense that I "hate life" and want to blast my face on to the wall with a 12 gague shotgun, but the sort of chemical inbalance in which I feel sort of agressive or tired towards things I used to be interested in. I don't really want people to know about my feelings about this, and I'm extremely hesitant to destroy this entry, but it feels better to get my feelings out. So what are my reasons for thinking this? Well, sometimes I really would just rather be away from everyone and everything forever, and then when I am, I really hope I can see or talk to some people I know. It eats away at me and I make myself feel like shit because I don't know whether or not I hate humanity. I've also read that when people are depressed they will often sleep for long periods of time and have a very hard time waking up. In a way, I fit into that exactly. I sleep for 14 hours and I still have an awfully hard time waking up.
Another very weird thing is that I cannot remember most of my dreams. It's like they never existed. It's not only that - sometimes I step back and look at the big picture of my life and all I see is stress after stress after stress, and I get that occasional "better off if I was dead" feeling.
I know its not right, and I know most people will wig out and interrogate me about whether or not I am hiding a loaded glock in my room for that dark night when I will blast my throat out, but the fact of the matter is that I have self control. I'm not going to start wearing all black. I'm not going to listen to "Evanescence (sp? )," I'm not going to start cutting my wrists; I will never become that attention craving "depressed kid. " I just try to get by, and I know that one day it will go away and I will be happy again. I'm not saying I'm never happy, but just not as much as I used to be a couple years ago.
So the next time you see me with my head in between my knees, or my head down on the table, please don't be concerned and try to comfort me or whatever - I'm probably just tired or irritated. So don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I hope! 
