  I think about what I said to you When you finally decided to come my way Cat o' nine tails is getting old And I don't know how I got this way And I don't know how much more I wanna take I know you'll shoot me down again Before I get too high So here I sit Tied up All alone with all my thoughts When will I learn to walk away? "Solitaire" - Strung Out back again. obsessing over a boy. haven't done this in quite a while. my mind keeps spinning and spinning..why hasn't he called? why didn't he call?
why won't he call? knowing that there are probably a million reasons, he hasn't, didn't and won't call, and none of those having to do anything with me, doesn't make me feel any better. was it something i said? did? didn't say? didn't do?
am i not cute enough? not his type? too much? did i overstep my boundaries? was i too aggressive? i know that all this does is make me more crazy and obsessive.
me sitting here wondering and worrying will NOT make him call me. It will not make him think about me. It will just make me crazier. I keep thinking I should have done something today. went to hermosa or san diego or even palm springs. in less than 24 hours i've developed a full-blown, mind-numbing crush for this boy.
okay, so not less than 24 hours. the feeling has definitely carried on since our first meeting and has just been strangely reinfornced by recent events. how can someone seem to be so into you but just not deliver the goods? and i know it has probably a ton to do with the fact that I don't live out here but...isn't seeing me twice at McAlans in two weeks enough to realize that the idea of us hanging out is not as obscure as he thinks? that i DO live here - in my mind, with my friends, with everything. I've never been a whole-hearted weho inhabitant.
and i'll be here...just a few months. maybe that's not it but i think that has a lot to do with. and maybe he's shy. or maybe he's not. maybe he just isn't interested. but why go out of your way to hang out?
to chat and talk? to remember meaningless and mundane details about my life? to give thoughtful and elaborate explanations about the exterior of your house when we're just going to drop you off? your business card? text messages? care about my opinions?
if that isn't interest i'm not quite sure what is. tom never asked me what i thought about anything. but i always knew that he was never interested in me. intrigued maybe. bewildered. a challenge to be conquered is probably a more accurate estimation.
i'm not sure. but interested in me as a person? never crossed his mind. maybe i hoped but i always knew that wasn't it. but with shane...we've talked maybe a total of 4 or 5 hours over our two encounters but those seconds were filled with hunger and motivation...an eerie excitement to push the connection further. to see how far this could take us into the depth of the moment.
i've literally spoken with the boy 2 times and both of those nights I was transported into a world where the banter between the two of us was all that could fill my ears. how filling my belly with alcohol and losing my senses wasn't my primary goal. how i wanted to be smart for him...i wanted to be witty and captivating and enchanting and daring and innovative. i wanted him to eperience me as i was experiencing him - full of wonder and awe that there existed a 24-year-old in the world who was this....engaging. and intelligent. and thoughtful.
and worldly. and just...knew. o-well. back to the drama. please, please, please god let him call me tomorrow. i can't do this again.
that weekend I sat glued by the phone, waiting for his call. and I got over it...never really thought i'd see him again. just filed him along all the other empty promises in my life. and then i did see him again. and he pushed it past cocktails at mcalans. he contacted me in the "real" world.
while he was at work, nonetheless. That's gotta say something. Just what it says I don't know. 
