  So I'm going to this event next weekend where I need to vocalize my intentions for 2004. Hmmm. Intentions. I've been trying to think long and hard about my intentions. Dictionary.com defines intention as: An aim that guides an action. So shit. I can't just state what I want, I actually have to ACT on what I want. I just feel that everything that I want to happen in my life is so completely out of my hands. I want to be in love. I want to get out of debt. I feel as if these things are so above me; quite impossible goals for me to achieve with my own skills.
I haven't been able to shake this funk that I have been in for the last few days. It's almost like the medicine isn't working anymore. I feel so down every day, the weight of the world pushing hard on my heaving chest. Suffocating me. I can't breathe. I need to get away. But to where? The pessimist that lives in the little hut inside my head politely reassures me that this is IT. That it's the same story wherever I go. The same people, the same cities, just the names and faces change. I keep holding this fantasy that when I go to grad school I'm going to move to this fantastic place far, far away and that everything is going to be different. I'll be the person I've always wanted to be, I'll find the people I've been searching for. My life will have some sort of purpose.
But I guess I keep holding onto this romanticized picture of the future because I know when I get there it won't be anything like I imagined. It's like when your a kid, you are so excited for Christmas. You have your checklist and your daily countdown- you can't wait until Christmas because all of your dreams of Barbies and video games are going to come true. But then Christmas arrives and you get all your presents but somehow, after you've opened everything and played with them for a bit, the novelty wears off. And reality comes crashing around you. Christmas is just another day. Like any other day. 
