  Is this a sign Of what I'm made of Or how I allow myself to be treated? "Strangled" - Osker We learned in abnormal psychology that the primary cognitive processes of people who suffer from depression are 1) helplessness (bad things happen and there's nothing I can do about it) and 2) hoplessness (bad things will happen no matter what and no one can change that).
We also learned that people suffering from depression view events as global (everything), static (never changing) and internal (all my fucking fault). I'm depressed. Obviously. We all know that. But do you really? Do you really know what it feels like to swim in these feeling and emotions every day? To really want to change. I mean REALLY want it - so bad that you can see it, smell it, taste it, imagine it but yet it seems so intangible.
I'm tired of justifying and explaining. I can't make anyone understand. I had a talk with Jenni last night about things. She basically reiterated plenty of things that I already know about myself - I have low self-esteem, I let guys walk over me and treat me like shit, I am basically my own worst enemy. Know all of that, sports fans. And that's the disgusting part. I realize, I see, I loathe all of these things about me.
I recognize my thoughts as irrational but yet they swallow me whole. It's like an addiction. Something you know isn't right but you can't shake it. I know many of you think I don't want to be "happy. " Well, first, I don't believe in happiness as an end, only a state through which we pass many times throughout the course of our lives.
Happiness is not an entity that can be won or a place where you can take up residence and live. It's a place you come to, where you can return, where some people spend a lot of their lives. Happy is an abstract concept to me. I'm not quite sure what people say when they tell me to "be happy. " Do they mean, not worry? Well, give me the winning lottery numbers so that I can have financial freedom. Then I won't have to "worry" about paying my bills and rent and eating or whatever. Do they mean to have self-love? Give me the tools I need to learn how to love my self, because I sure as fuck don't know how. When one grows up in isolation, with no guidance except for music videos and re-runs of sit-coms, that person doesn't know the first thing about how to build meaningful relationships.
How to ask for help. How to be intimate. How to share feelings. I fake it because it's easier. It's easier to nod and smile than pour my heart to deaf ears. It's easier to pretend then to be chastised and ridiculed. It's easier to think no one loves me that to have my heart ripped out and trampled upon time after time. It's easier to praise my faults and to make those reasons to push others away than to face the reality rejection.
I don't know what fucked me up. I can't point to a relationship or a person or a rock song. I just know that i'm trying. Every day I wake myself up and face the world hoping the new day will be different. And that's it. All I can do is try. 
