  First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Bawl-a-mer, or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live North or South of Route 40. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If near Howard County and your map is one day old, it is already obsolete.
On Monday, you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal, you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in the zink with wudder. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray. " There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore. We all drive like that. All directions start with "The Beltway"...which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and an "outer" designation, raising comparisons of the beltway being the big belly-button of the city.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 11. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If there is a ballgame at either stadium, there is no point inattempting to go anywhere south of downtown until the following day. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. However, when you are the first one in line at a red light, count to five when the light turns green before proceeding to avoid being T-boned by all five of the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
(However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the horn. ) Precipitation causes an immediate 50 point drop in IQ in all otherdrivers on the road. Winter precipitation causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ. Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form ofentertainment. Interesting that it's called "an Interstate," but runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE! (Glen Burnie)" If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the right of way. Period. Even if they are in the left lane of I-97 oblivious to the fact that the speed limit is 65 and not 55.
All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open,but never on holiday weekends. The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less isconsidered downright sissy. The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR. The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Maryland driver would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane...no matter how slowly they are driving (see blue haired old ladies above).
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat"lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cellphones. All mini-vans, particularly if filled with children, also have priority clearance to use the far left lane at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
If it's 10 degrees, it's the Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees,it's opening day at the Ravens Stadium. If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+, it's May, June, July, August, September, and sometimes October. If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot. " Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7,500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness, run over him. It's probably not his yard, anyway. 
