  everything that keeps me together is falling apart... on the radio driving in, stuck in traffic, oh no that truck looks like its load is going to tip off, the motherfucker switching lanes like a bat-out-of-hell, is she cutting in front of me, no, blinker's just on for no reason at all, just going straight, all of us, on the long freeway to wherever-destination. last night was pizza and three vodka tonics. brian gives me a dirty looks, says that you shouldn't drink mixed drinks, shows you can't handle the pure stuff, and meanwhile b (not brian) is quiet and i am wondering what is on his mind anyways. the bar mirror doesn't seem to cast my reflection tonight, or at least i don't notice it, and i drink from the well because i am watching my money, but b gets absolute because he doesn't care. the three drinks don't even phase me, and i can walk upright to the car on my own, though i had hoped to be a little bit looser than this.
i apologize for being so quiet tonight. i get home just in time to turn the tv on and off again, and pick up the book to read, so i read a few pages and nothing seems to be coming off the page this time. the words just stare at me, flat, the story going along as it is supposed to, but all the while i can't keep the characters straight and one devilish man resembles another, and all of these faces and names are blurring, and i wonder if it is finally the three vodkas hitting me, though i realize it isn't and that, really, i am just probably tired.
the cat purrs. climbing into bed and i can't sleep, can't even get comfortable because nothing is right. i have a bunch of pillows and they are nice and soft, and i don't need a cover, it is warm enough outside.
so i am there, lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come and it won't, or doesn't, for some time, so i am left thinking about how uncomfortable i am in that bed, how much i want a new bed already, all i have to do is go buy one already, but i never find the time, or if i do, i don't make the time to go do it anyways. lie=to be in a horizontal or prostrate position. you have to be active in thought, you have to pursue whatever comes to you mind. let it soak in sure, but push those boundaries, stretch the perimeters, make the edges not the edges anymore but think beyond what you are already thinking about, look at it from as many angles as you possibly can, then look at the angles themselves, and those angles, and so on. this is what i think about, my last thought before sleeping. i dream of a magician and his card tricks.
overly complicated. i just want him to know what card i am holding, not to make some elaborate flourish to produce my card. just tell me what i have in my hand. read my mind. see what i see. just to it already without the fancy shuffle and meandering fingers. let me just hold the card already and you tell me what it is, and if you are right then i will say bravo! nothing is ever that easy. 
