  - last night i had a dream my friend and i died in an elevator that slid down its shaft and crashed at the bottom. we didn't initially know we had died because we got out of the elevator just fine. turns out, we were actually ghosts and went back to find our bodies twisted in the wreckage. - it figures. i find out today, mid-way through a project, that i have been making an error all along. trouble is that there is no way to go back through what i have already done and make sure this error isn't causing major problems. this is the way things go with me sometimes. i don't find out until too late that i am fucking things up.
- last night i watched a bit of professional wrestling. i tend to like watching professional wrestling because, like both roland barthes and andy kaufman noticed, it is an elaborate ruse that can be a kind of theoretical poetry. the problem, though, with this newer brand of professional wrestling is that it is quite boring. it is always the same old, tired wrestler going for the big prize. the high-flying exciting talent is always involved in matches of lesser interest. the same old characters are in the same old matches, over and over again. it is never exciting anymore. instead it is a boring, repetitious hodge-podge of poorly choreographed matches. in the days gone by, wrestling seems to move more quickly from match to match, rivalry to rivalry.
you never had time to get bored. now, each week, you can expect the same wrestler to be involved with the same opponent, week in and week out. it is tiring, and my interest in this kind of entertainment has waned as a result. - my new bed is very nice. it has only been a few days since i received the bed, and in these few days i have found my back feeling better and my rest a bit nicer (though i haven't been sleeping well...this hasn't affected the comfort of the rest i do get). i am quite glad i went ahead and bought the mattress set. it is my first major furniture purchase since my separation/divorce, since i moved out of the house i once shared.
it's kind of a pride thing, with me, which is probably what makes the bed so extra comfortable. - right now i am kind of struggling with a prolonged sadness. there isn't really much to say about it, nor is there much i want to say about it here. but, to say the least, it is playing a major role in me being lethargic and lack-luster in the energy and mood departments. in fact, i am so lacking of care right now that i almost don't feel like updating this blog anymore. but i do. mostly because if i don't i will be letting myself down. and partially because every so often urlLink she asks me if i am going to update it...giving me an extra little push to do it. it's a good thing, really, updating this blog. it's a place to say what i might not get to say elsewhere, and it is a nice little outlet for writing.
but, back to being sad. i just can't shake it lately. - i am in this crazy debate as to whether or not to invest a little bit of credit in getting a modest digital camera. i don't want anything fancy. i have a manual camera that is just fine for taking more impressive or important shots. this digital camera would be moreso for taking fun pictures, for carrying with me to take pictures at odd random moments, or when i see something that is worth a snapshot. right now i am on the "no" side of the fence, telling myself that i have too much debt already and a camera isn't really NECESSARY right now. but i am sure that in a couple of days i will be back on the "yes" side of the fence. i suppose with a little coaxing i will just end up doing it.
but, who knows? coax me if you'd like. i could use a little coaxing one way or the other. - i have stalled reading rushdie's the satanic verses . i think it is part of the reason i have bad dreams at night (whenever i read, i read at night. and reading it before i go to bed has always resulted in bad dreams. perhaps this cursed book is causing them). i do want to finish it, however, and move on to roy's the god of small things .
perhaps i need a little coaxing in this department, too. - right now i can hear this person speaking into the phone a couple of desks away. this guy really creeps me out. he has what appears to be a late 30's early 40's body. his face mostly shows his age. but his voice sounds more like someone in his late-teens. he stares at things in the bathroom. not at your private parts, but at weird things like the paper towel dispenser and the wall. staring for what seems to be an inordinate amount of time.
i mean, we all stare at things, but his stares seem to last longer than most, and this is creepy. - i'm going to go home today and not know what to eat for dinner. what i have in my refrigerator isn't too promising: a brown head of lettuce (brown because it is old and wilted); eggs that are a week past their suggested use-by date; old gum drops in a tupperware container; a bag of potatoes; a gladware container with one portabella mushroom cap in it. there has to be SOMEthing i can fashion out of these things that somehow resembles a meal. - tonight i think i will have a glass of wine.
i bought some cheap chardonnay to cook with the other day, and the rest of the bottle will go to waste unless i drink it. i am not one who really likes cheap white wines. not that my tastes are that expensive. but, i don't want it to go to waste...drink i shall! - today i am not tired of my work...my work is tired of me. - urlLink she bought my kitten a swirly little green plastic thingie with which to play.
my cat loves it. the only problem is that she plays with it for about 15 minutes and then, quite mysteriously, loses it. last night i found it far, far under my couch. i fetched it out from under the sofa and gave it to the cat. this morning, when i went to gather her toys before i left for work, i could not find the swirly thing.
it went missing again. i took a second to look under the couch for it to no avail. i really wonder if my cat even notices that this toy is gone, or if she just forgets about it the minute she doesn't see it anymore. it's something i think about a lot: whether or not the cat actually misses thing she has lost or that i throw away. i wonder if her attention-span is really that long, if her heart is really that wide, if her mind is really that deep. i'd kind of like to have her be able to talk to me for one full day, for her to be able to spill out her soul to me, tell me what she thinks, how she feels, what she sees through her eyes. 
