  You told me that you want to die I said I've been there myself more than a few times I go back every once in awhile You call me lucky.. you call me lucky You said tonight is a wonderful night to die I asked how you could tell You told me to look at the sky Look at all those stars... look at how goddamn ugly the stars are...
I know I haven't written.. I know you don't care.. The birthday party wasn't much fun. Few people showed up or bother to tell me they couldn't make it.. maybe they just didn't want to make it..? Adam did surprise me Saturday morning by coming in town with flowers . I really was disappointed when I thought he wasn't going to show for my birthday.. He really is special to me... Marc came over last Saturday.. The cycle started all over again.. we spent the day wrapped up in each other on David's bed while David's band was recording.. Marc had to get up every once in awhile to play the drums though.. and every time he puts his arm around me or holds my hand I tell myself to remember that feeling because I know I'll miss it later... but once it's later I can't really remember what it feels like and I miss it in a whole nother sense.. I suppose it's hard to explain... I haven't written in awhile because in my 15-year-old head if I don't talk about something it will disappear. I'm beginning to think David will kill himself when he turns 18 and there's nothing I can do about it.. He does drugs... a lot.. drinks, mostly, I think. I don't like to hear about it and even though I don't have much authority over it I tell him to stop and he listens for about 10 minutes..
I'm not one to tell him to stop, anyhow, because I do some bad stuff, too. It's so hard dealing with this.. I'm so use to being his mother and fixing his problems for him.. I wake him up in the morning.. I make sure he takes his medicine.. I just know how to deal with him... and so it makes me wonder.. does my mom know how to take care of him, too? I don't think she knows how to take care of me.. not that anyone needs to, really.. Therapy was horrible.. I don't want to go back but "Neil", the therapist, wants me to, and if he thinks it will help David I guess I'll endure it...
I really have no one to talk about this with that can even remotely relate.... I'm not telling my parents how I've been unhappy for about 2 years... that's for sure... seeing what David has done to them.. wow.. And I don't understand why my generation is so unhappy and everyone needs to be fixed... is it because we get handed everything and there's nothing to take pride in or is it just.. a fad?
I'm not sure.. I have never felt so clueless in all my life... usually I'm good at reading people... growing up with David, you have to be... he's a character unlike any other... I don't want to think about it. So.. moving on to boys.. life doesn't seem interesting if you don't have anyone to day-dream about all day... And I don't know why I'm stuck on Marc... I honestly don't love him.. I think I might be over Stuart, which is the good news... Not so much over him as he's ignoring me and I gave up.. Kyle Parrish is the prettiest boy I have ever seen in my life.
Seriously, I think he's gorgeous and I wish I had the nerve to say hi to him instead of just passing him with a smile.. he's in my seventh hour study hall.. Kyle Montaigne and David say he's a dick, though, but I know they aren't very forgiving when someone makes a mistake so I try to not rely on just their opinion on someone... I don't know what else to say... Kyle Montaigne thinks I'm hot, which is really a nice boost of self-esteem that was much needed.... It doesn't help as much as it should, though. I'm getting kind of chubby.. I go through periods where I hardly eat anything for weeks and periods where I eat everything in sight..
..I don't know.. I just wish all my problems would disappear.. I also wish Marc could sneak in and I could spend the night watching him sleep wrapped up in his arms... how nice that would be.. And I find myself day dreaming.. waking up to his face.. ...why am I stuck on him, again? just... don't think about it.. Sweet dreams, .heart. 
