  Allie - i love you so much, nothing will ever change that. youre the most understanding person who has always been there for me. im always here for you too. you can come live with me anyday, you might get the occasional wake up in the middle of the night ;-) but id be happy to keep you here! because i love you, and without you, life would be so boring, and i really know what type of person is great all around when i look at you. you have never done anything to hurt someone.
you constantly help people. no matter what youre always forgiving. i wish i was like you [Mallory's profile] I am thankful for that, but in a way I wish she wouldn't think that highly of me. It makes me feel like I have to be strong when all I really want to do is cry. Eh. Oh well.
So, we sat down and talked. I couldn't believe it. I really didn't think my parents were capable of being rational. David and Judy were the ones freaking out. David was crying and carrying on and saying how he was going to be grounded for his seventeenth birthday and that it was all my fault. He blamed the entire ordeal on me.
I understand that I reassured him that it would be okay, but that isn't the same thing as forcing him to do it. Oh, and the school called because his english teacher says David told her he did drugs and is disruptive. That isn't true, David isn't proud he does drugs except when he feels like bragging to all the other potheads. I think so low of him now, I don't think we'll ever be as close as we were. I can't believe how he fucks things up like that. I'm to the point where I'm numb towards him and I don't care much about waking him up for school or making sure he takes his medicine.
I'm sick of being a mom to a child I never wanted. I just want to be a fucking kid for once and have fun. I was crying downstairs once they sent me down because they needed to talk to David about his english class. I was just crying thinking of everything, of how I missed Judy while she was away and now that she's back she's mad at me. She came down and I told her how grandma had forgotten about me and how I missed them. She asked why I didn't call..
I told her the truth. "You guys just got away from us, do you really think you would want to hear from me? You just got away..." Later Larry came downstairs. He sat me down and talked to me. He said that David feels like I never get punished. This is something he's been saying his whole life... somehow he thinks life favors me, in general, and I just have it so much better than him.
So what Larry basically was saying was that he was going to punish although I don't deserve it. He's punishing me to make David feel better and to meet David's wants. I personally do not think one child's happiness should be sacrificed for anothers. I tried to explain it to Stuart.. He agrees more with Larry. It kills me.
I cried all night. Only Larry noticed my extreme depression. Slowly walking up the stairs, plopping on the couch and curling into a ball, silently crying. No one really seemed to care. I went downstairs and cried myself to sleep. This morning I found out David has been telling all my friends that I told the people at work to call him in, too.
That I had set up the whole thing and that it was all my fault. That I forced him to do it. What a fucking liar. I'm so ashamed to have a brother like him. He's embarrassing and I wish he would grow up and stop being such an asshole. He use to be so smart, why did he fuck all that up with drugs?
I use to love him so much. I don't think I can hardly tolerate him anymore. I feel so numb towards him. If he doesn't want to get better, he won't. If he doesn't want to stop smoking, he won't. If he doesn't want to care about me.. he doesn't.
My feet are still so heavy. .heart. p.s. I guess I'm not as forgiving as Mallory thinks I am. 
