  From: "Shannon Yevcak" To: spoolboy@autospeed.com Subject: Closing time... Date: Mon 08/05/02 02:43 PM I'm singing. Listening to the music in my head. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..." I have no idea who sings that song - some one hit wonder, maybe? I don't know! I don't care in the least, I like that line - I'm feeling it today... Huh.
We've only got so long before we don't need to email each other anymore! That's almost sad. Even though this was *fast* - it seems so long ago when you sent me that PM and I shot back my terse reply... I feel as if I've known you forever. Somehow. But there is still so much I don't know.
I'm not worried that I'll ever find something I don't like, or can't learn to deal with - something that WE can't deal with together... I can't wait! I'm so excited about really getting to know you - in real life, in bed, in all of the weird situations I'm sure we'll find ourselves in the middle of... (You know how I am, I can never leave well enough alone! What happened to the curious kitty again??? ) You're fun, and I know that somehow no matter how much life throws at me from this point on, you'll still find a way to make me smile. Probably just by existing.
Thanks for existing, Dennis! I still have volumes of text in me. Bits and bytes and gigs and all of that. But I'm not going to be recording it for posterity anymore. DAMN! I'll be talking to you in person, in OUR apartment!
I guess we'll have those first few layers of our onion forever, won't we? That's cool. GO YOU for saving our emails - you're smart! How'd you know? Yep, the more I think about it, the more I think you **did** have a plan from the get-go. Heeeeeh.
*sigh* I am feeling (cause I know you'd ask me if you were with me!!! ) comfortable and still a little twinge of sad. Paul is getting much better as the day wears on. He is buying Rob's motorcycle (CBR954RR, w/ some monor tweaks on it) later this week, or over the weekend. He IMd me and asked, "Can I ask you one last thing before we go our separate ways forever? " He wants to take me for a spin on the bike after he gets it.
Motorcycles scare me. In a not nice, non-rollercoaster kind of way. I don't like them so much. I like going fast! I like acceleration! But I like having at least *some* metal surrounding my body - even if it isn't so much worse to be out in the open like that - it just scares me.
Dunno. Anyway - that's a big thing for him to ask me. We had a nice IM session - we both wound up crying. He cried harder, I have trouble emoting in public ;) He's got a cube, I'm, like, OUT here in the middle of the room, kinda. Then I went to smoke and gave him a big hug. I think he might just make it out of this... That makes me so happy!
I do love him, I honestly do - he's my baby daddy, you know? I just can't live with him. I *thought* he had it in him to do this with me. But for a while he really scared me! I started to doubt him big time, thought about making a bid for Chris because I wasn't even sure if Paul was capable of taking care of him. He'll make it!
I'm really happy about that - he *is* a good person, I swear he is. Even though he's gone out of his way to show you otherwise... Hopefully you two will come to be sociable with each other, even if you never quite make it to being "friends. " Haha, thank god for you, Dennis. I don't know if I'm going to make it all of the time. I could not do this without you. You caught me at the last possible moment.
How on earth did this happen? How did you know? Who sent you? I LOVE YOU! Keep being easy. Be gentle with me.
I've got a lot of things - old things, newer things, shit - there are issues that haven't even occured to me just yet - to deal with. I want to deal with them. I bet most of them have been held in for so long that they'll be pretty quick and painless - like the deal with High School that I finally resolved by driving around Litchfield two nights in a row. It was a lot easier to get through than I thought it would be. I suprised myself - that was the night I remember just how strong I am. Paul seemed to make it impossible for me to spend energy on myself.
I was so busy giving - to Chris and Paul and the relationship - and not getting a whole lot back. I think I had almost exhausted myself. That's why I was about to quit feeling. I was running on fumes. I think I must have given extra hard to Paul - trying to make him love me... I never did it on purpose, but I think I must have been doing it all along.
He told me today that, "even though I knew it was doomed from the beginning, I still wound up falling in love with you. " I think he's confusing love and in love. I don't think we were every totally 110% IN love with each other. I'll readily accept the fact that he loves me. That's quite ok... It's better that way - we'll be good parents after we get it figured out!
I've loved lots of people without being in love with them. Maybe, now that I've met you, I should think - reconsider - have I ever been in love before? I wonder. I'm too tired to give it the proper treatment right now, but remind me to think about it someday, will ya? I *AM* in love with you, Dennis, 100%, no doubts, no worries, no catches, no hangups, no strings - I love you. *whew* Today feels like a big day somehow.
A day to rest and get myself psyched up for something BIG. Like eating spaghetti before a marathon ;) It feels somewhat like suspended animation too - Paul has let me go (or is letting me go finally) and you don't quite have me all the way just yet. I don't feel bad - just I guess tired enough and clear-headed enough to take a second to reflect. I don't want to forget this day - I feel like I need this deliniation. It's MY day. Well, I have work to finish... And I'm calling you when I get home anyway... *yawn* Shannon 
