  Stress Why is it that I can pawn years of laziness off as effort, making even decent grades, and now that I care and am actually working hard it seems as though I've already collapsed? At some point I decided that school was not worth the stress. That point was high school. I could read well, but I've always been slow at it because of various vision problems. I'm not asking for pity of any kind, I've been blessed. All I'm getting at is this slowed me down. About the same time all my motivations began to crumble. The concept of grades for grades sake was something I did not appreciate.
Anyone that did care about school seemed to only care in fear of consequence. I wasn't afraid of the penalties I could see. The worst thing for most was academic failure. Failure in who's eyes? Another idiot? Another human being struggling to balance a check book? It never added up for me. I saw no one worth impressing. My insight was slightly underdeveloped.
I had it half right. There were no perfect people, but there was a perfect God. I knew that. I accepted Christ as my savior when I was 8. I was a tad bit inconsistent. That's all. I was off on the part about loving God with all my mind. We're supposed to do that. I've realized my flaw. I've been seeking change. For the first time in my life I'm taking action to get somewhere.
It sure doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. My dad is a big football fan. He says he used to get so stressed out if his team lost that it felt like an elephant was standing on his chest. Even he'll admit that was pointless stress. I know stress can be a good thing. I know God uses it to keep me moving, and to challenge me. I must keep reminding myself of that. Right now, all I feel is stress, but what we feel doesn't usually make a difference in the reality.
I keep having this nightmare that I fail all my classes. I fear that more than almost anything else lately. I think I'm more afraid of that than death, even a slow painful death. I must perservere. I must. I just wish the elephants would get off my chest. 
