  Speech Impediment, an essay When Im not too quiet Im too loud and the rest of the time I just mumble. I have these long and winding thoughts that may or may not be interesting and that may or may not be worth anyones time. But I have them nonetheless. They are lodged inside my head and scratching to get out. Ill get no rest as long as they are there.
These trains of thoughts travel with ease across the wrinkles of my brain but find themselves derailed only barely out of the tunnel. Thought caught in a brain is like a bullet in the chamber of a gun or the cure for cancer kept under wraps by government regulations: not all thought is good but its all made impotent if it cannot be communicated. It takes a lot of energy sometimes to raise my voice. Sometimes it takes a lot of guts that I dont have. And when I get all that mustered up I have to clear my throat, several times probably. I have the most trouble carrying on conversations sometimes.
I think in outline form and speak in big block paragraphs. People try to wait until the end of a sentence and occasionally if I take a breath they take the opportunity to share their thoughts. In this instance I will very likely lose my place. Whoever I am talking to will likely feel at fault as I scramble to pick up where I left off. I dont blame them. I blame my inability to go with the flow, so to speak. The slightest distraction, even as simple as a door opening, can throw me for a loop. Any hack actor can deliver a monologue, but a truly great actor is a master of dialogue. He can keep pace even when someone else mistakenly leaves out huge chunks of script. It isnt in knowing every line that he is able to do this but rather by knowing the main ideas. This is where I have the most trouble.
I think I know them, but when talking to somebody all the points seem pretty noteworthy. I dont want this disability because I prefer talking with people than talking to them. I want their assistance in sharpening my ideas. Whenever I talk too loud, softly or garbled I feel ridiculous. When I feel ridiculous its easy to give up. When I give up I become a gun that won't be fired. 
