  I probably shouldn't be saying this on my blog where everyone can see how completely friendless I am, but I haven't gone out with friends since summer started.
ONCE, a few people came over to my house, but that wasn't even really a 'social thing,' since they were volunteering with me. I feel very pathetic. The worst thing is that I'm not actually missing the going out with friends, but just embarassed that I'm not doing anything. If there were no people in the world to make fun behind my back, I probably wouldn't care and I'd be happily hermit-ized forever and ever and ever.
I think the most I'll be doing this summer is the Anime Con thing in August, and the Ren Faire... the Anime Con is even looking doubtful, cuz I haven't spoken to A, S or T for ages. Hopefully one of 'em will call me. *g* Among other things... my cousin came over on Friday, and left yesterday.
I dislike her, practically on principle now. We've never liked her ^^;; But the thing is, her parents are really nice, and we feel sorry for them (y'know, them living with that she-demon and all), so we babysit her every once in a while. She's the strangest kid, too. In some ways, she's REALLY mature for her age, and in others she's just downright stupid/immature. She's got some real social problems, too. She's either left-handed or ambidextrous, with all the usual problems that go along with that, and she goes to that Mentor Team school, where kids who need a bit of help get it. She's doing really well, too, apparently -- it's so stupid, the reason they can't push her up into the 'higher' school is because she's doing painfully bad in French and spelling.
Who the hell needs French and spelling?! My dad can't spell whatsoever, and he got the highest marks at his university in psychology and business, which (at the time of his being there... *grins*) were some of the newest fields where not much was known -- ie., you got marks if you 'figured stuff out,' rather than just reciting by memory. And I mean it. He REALLY can't spell. It's funny. He's left-handed too, come to think of it...
So anyway. The world seems to be leaving me behind; that basically sums up my feelings right now. I talk to school friends so rarely that I've got no idea what's going on any more. I've got the same ol', same ol' friends that I've been with since early or mid-grade 9, and they're all hanging out all over the place! I guess I'm happy in my little group of... maybe 5 people... but being the paranoid wretch I am, of course I'm always afraid I'll get left behind.
Accidentally even; not on purpose at all. My friends are way too nice to ditch me. But you guys are spreading out, what can I say, and I'm not -- I don't get along with everyone, DEFINITELY not, and those that I get along well with, I think I'm already friends with you ^^;;; why should I spread out? To keep up with the Joneses? Bah. I think I'll stay right where I am. All the people worth knowing, I already know. You guys can go hang out with as many eejeets as ya want =D Left behind or no, I'll find something to keep myself occupied with. ... this might be the best reason of all to go outside again: I'm going crazy. Heh. I've always thought it would be cool if all our minds were suddenly opened to everyone else: all those hidden, animalistic desires and impulses for the world to see.
Would the thin layer of civilisation be enough to keep everyone from retching at the minds of everyone else? Would the knowledge that everyone feels like that, that it's the control that matters, not the impulses, keep you from isolating yourself from that revolting mass of humanity? I so often think that if we could just accept that revolting mass of humanity that is US, and come to love it for those imperfections, that we'd be able to accept everyone else too, and the world would be a much better place.
After all, I think it's true that you are just as badly off as the worst off person in the world: as long as one person suffers, everyone suffers. No man is an island!! Those horrible imperfections you see in others are only reflections of those in you; maybe the reason we consider those imperfections so horrible is that they remind us of how horrible our imperfections are.
I know that's the case with me, lots of times. Other times it's just because they're stupid. But then, the fact that I'm so bothered by stupidity only highlights my impatience and lack of understanding. I dunno. But before you can go around saying you know people, you love people, yadda yadda, you've gotta be able to say you love yourself. Stop worrying about how you dislike so-and-so, and how so-and-someone-else is bitchy -- worry how you're heartless, and how you're not compassionate enough. Then, accept it, know yourself, and love the other people for showing you that. The basic human desire is to be understood; the only way for that to start is for you to understand yourself.
Crazy, ne? Maybe we're all crazy and if we opened our minds to everyone else, then we'd realize it. What'd we do then? Put us all in the crazy bin? Or realize that it doesn't really matter how you perceive reality, long as you're happy? Maybe we're all part of some mass delusion, started by Jesus or some other famous prophet, convincing ourselves that this is how the world is, and if you don't think it's so then you're wrong and should be locked up because you're dangerous to society.
But isn't all truth dangerous? I'm not saying all the crazy people are prophets, or even right, but just that normality isn't all that important when thinking you're a duck makes you happy. Don't worry, though. To me, being a duck isn't all that appealing. 
