  I wanted to first gather my thoughts before writing anything else but I'm finding it hard to put a lasso around them.
Maybe it's better off this way. To think less and just get right to it. The more I think, the more I edit out myself, the more superficial the things I write. I end up trying to be cute and funny when in fact I'm really not feeling either one. It's my personality. I want to have everything in some logical order. Alphabetical. Chronological. By height. By width. By importance. Everything should have a head, a body, and a tail. But no, not this time.
I just want to say something and I don't care if all my sentences start with "I". I've always tried to avoid that in writing. I. I. I. I just realized it doesn't hurt me when I do that. It doesn't hurt one bit. All I wanted to say is that this is what I want to do. I just want to write. Some people think may think that I suck at it, but I don't care. They're not going to stop me from doing it.
I'm not going to stop trying to express myself. Because there's nothing else in this world that makes me complete than my stupid, pathetic writing. Other people have weed. Or alcohol. Or relationships to turn to when they're down or when they're happy. I have my pen and journal. I have my computer. I have my words . Rainer Maria Rilke said that one should find out the reason that commands one to write.
I am now confessing to myself that I would have to die if I were forbidden to write. I'd probably have been long dead, anyway, if not for the escape offered by my writing. There have been times when I was sure I was losing my grip on life and reality. But words were there to comfort me. I could string them together to express my frustrations. I find it consoling that in my alternate world of prose and verse, I am the architect of the events. I have control over how something goes, unlike in my own life. You . Whoever you are that personify the negativity in the world.
You need to know this. I know you're going to make it hard for me. You're going to tell me I'm not good enough. That I don't have the skill for it. That I'm not worthy to be read by others. I'm going to pay you no mind. You can't tell me what I can or cannot do. I have the heart for it. No amount of rejection, criticism, and condescension can ever break it.
This is who I am. Get used to my blabber because I'm not going to stop until I'm heard. You can't take it away from me. I'm not giving up my writing because I'm not ready to give up my sanity. I'm not competing with you but with myself. Because ultimately, I'm not writing for you. But for my own sake. 
