  I'm sitting here listening to Average White Band's A Love of Your Own...hoping that I'm moving forward towards finding just that....working towards being that. I know that I have a lot of love in my life, people that care about me. But something is still missing. I know that I have to be that love to get that love...work on loving myself first....at least that's what "they" say. But they never really tell you how to get "there. " I guess I'm trying to move towards that by taking better care of my body, my health.
Being on blood pressure medication at 26 is not loving myself. Being morbidly obese is not loving myself. And I know that, so why am I still secretly yearning for someone to love me when I apparently don't love myself. Today was an okay eating day. I really need to be working on portion control. I am still eating enough for 5 people.
Didn't work out today, but did do some cleaning...mopping, vacuuming so at least I did move. I really like the house when it's clean. I hate it when I let it get filthy. How can I think that I want a serious relationship, marraige...when I can't even keep a house clean? I have so far to go. Anyway, for dinner, again, I pigged out on three big pieces of chicken.
I felt sick afterwards. I made the conscious decision to eat three pieces too. Didn't even try to stop myself. But I did drink my h20. It's going to be a slow process. It's only been a week.
I can't beat myself up just yet. I did hang up some outfits and set goal dates of when I want to fit into them. Last night, I also wrote down all the reasons that I want to lose weight. They are some very compelling reasons. Should be enough to make me stick to the plan. But I have an addicition....fueled a lot by lonlieness.
It's not going to be easy to overcome. I have a lot of people praying for me though. Today was Derreck's birthday. I didn't call him. I don't know how I feel about that. He didn't call me last year for my birthday so I somehow feel justified...not that two wrongs make that right.
But then again, he did tell me that he was sleeping in for his whole birthday. He said he would call if anything changed. The way I look at it, I tried to make a big deal out of it. If he wanted to spend time with me, he would have let me know. I'm tired of forcing myself on him. I can count like one time that he's indicated that he wanted to spend time with me.
The rest of the time over this three and a half years, I'm always doing the asking. For once, I want someone to WANT to see me. To call me up on a Wednesday and make plans for us on Friday. To drop me off home from a date and ask when he can see me again. I've never really had that. I just want to date period.
Sadly, probably as this weight comes off, I will get just that. Even though I've always been the same person. 
