  Yeah, I am worthy to be dumped now. It feels shitty. I mean I tried to do everything right. My major downfall was that I was clingy. Yes, clingy. Everything good and right that I did was null compared to clingy.
What the fuck? I loved this girl. Yes, I fell in love with her. After all the shit that has happened with her and her ex boyfriend, I was still there because I thought it would work. I guess I was the only one that thought it would REALLY work. It's just unfortunate that all that shit is nothing to her anymore.
That clingyness wins above all else. Fuck I wasn't even that clingy. I didn't call every hour on the hour. I didn't write a billion emails. Sure I called when I had a break at work but I knew she wasn't in class so I figure I would call her to say HI or whatever. Whenever I was at my desk reading stuff and wanted to share something, I would just open up a new email and I would sent it to her.
Is that fucking clingy? It sucks to think that I was clingy for wanting just a little bit of time and affection/attention from her. Just a little bit to make me feel like I was wanted (kinda like how I make her feel). She wanted space. Well actually she didn't even ask that. Hmm, maybe I'll share the whole story.
It started out when things were going shitty for her. Job was not working out, school schedule was not going well, Japan was coming closer and yeah, stressful. Being the -CLINGY- me, I felt a little shoved out of the way. I was still there for her to talk to, for her to share and vent her frustrations to but at the same time it just seemed that she was forgetting me. I was feeling unappreciated. I sent her an email expressing how I felt.
The email pretty much explained that I really had strong feelings for her so I told her that if this feeling is still around in the future, I would move and follow her to where she would go because of how strongly I felt. That freaked her out. Next day is when things really turned out to be shitty. See we used to email each other about how our days were going. I emailed her and she didn't email back. I checked my other email and there it was.
She was freaked out and didn't want to talk if the topic of conversation was "the state of the nation" That was it. I then wrote another email saying that I over reacted to the situation and just got caught up in the situation. She didn't like that either but she never did ask for space. A simple email saying that things are a little hectic now would have been appropriate. Nope, she said that she has to think about the relationship now and didn't want to talk to me. So naturally that's always a sign that things are going bad.
She had to think about things because of the email that I sent. Fast forward to today. According to her, I did everything right. I was there for her, I gave her support, I was someone to talk to regarding everything from her day to whatever was bothering her. I was just clingy. Yeah, clingy.
Well what the fuck. Maybe if you opened the eyes that said "I LOVE YOU" and saw that all I needed was a little attention then I would have been fine. That was it. I called and was worried about the relationship and asked if I was still her boyfriend. She didnt like that. She went to a party and spent the night there.
Well fuck yeah I'm going to worry if I'm still the boyfriend. It's hard to find your footing if things aren't going well. I guess my clingyness is a stress to her and she doesn't like stress. I got dropped. The week before finals things are stressful, I'm dumped. It's her personal sanity that's important to her.
I'm not helping so I got dumped. Because of being clingy. Shit. Well there's the New York trip. There goes someone who was really special. I can't change who I am.
I don't think I was that clingy. I wanted to be there for her but I guess I was there too much. That's shitty. I mean I made her feel like the most specialest (yes I am good with English, fuck off) person to me in the world because she was. I made her feel wanted, desired, special, smart, worthy, funny everything that I thought she was. What do I get?
This. How unfair is this FUCKING WORLD? I deserve better. I really do. I thought that being good to someone equates to them being good to you too. I guess the fucking world doesn't work that way.
I belive in Karma and all I did for her and to her were things that I thought were sweet and I wanted some in return, hell who am I kidding here, I wanted more in return. See I don't understand it, I didn't fucking hit her, I didn't fucking steal from her, I didn't lie to her, frankly all I did was love her. I wasn't whipped or whatever the word is, I fell in love with this girl. What a curshing feeling to layout how you feel about someone and to have that someone freak out and leave you. It really makes you question another addage that comes to mind, "Good guys finish last" Yeah, I was a good guy. Things were going well for a while.
I guess I didn't keep my feelings in check. Was I wrong or doing so. My world wasn't her. I did my job as work, I went out with friends and I talked to the girlfriend. That was my world. She was a part of my world and now that she's gone I really can't explain how shitty I feel.
There were a bunch of things that I didn't like about her but the most pressing was the fact that she didn't show me affection. I would show my affection by getting her groceries and little gifts, going out for dinner, doing things together you know? things that build memories (and to help her out since she was a college student). I guess she didn't appreciate that because she felt stifled. She explained to me that she showed affection by talking. Yes, talking.
I gave her so much talking so I gave her more affection. I did. I gave her what she thought was affection by talking to her everyday and doing things and getting things for her. She couldn't give it back by saying little things here and there to show me that I was appreciated. No little emails to thank me for being there for her. Nothing.
Don't get me wrong here. She would be affectionate when I'm around but when we're alone. I can't even hug her in public. That's kinda shitty actually I wasn't happy about that. Even though all this shit was going on, I still found it in me to look past it and love this girl for who she is. Love her for all the good in her as well as the bad.
It sucks that she doesn't want to look past things that she's not happy in me. I feel worthless. I feel that I wasn't worth it to give just a little bit of affection and attention. I feel worthless because she doesn't want to keep working on this. I feel worthless because the last fucking serious relationship she was in, she stayed for two fucking years. TWO FUCKING YEARS and all the time she would constantly catch him lying to her, at one point trying to sleep with her friend, he was addicted to sleeping pills (yeah sorry to divulge that but I feel it's necessary to get my god damn point across).
She stayed with him for two years after all that shit. Sure there were good times and all, I mean there has to be for two years worth of that shit, but really I only had a fucking fraction of that time and BAM! Because of being clingy when things aren't going well she dumps me. Shit she even checks out his life through his webpage. How would that make someone feel? If you were in a relationship with someone and all they did was checkup on their Ex's life, would you feel a little shitty?
Would you feel a little unappreciated? Would you feel worthless? Wow. I never understood that, why would chicks stay with assholes and then find a nice guy and do the nice guy thing for a while and then decide to drop them. I mean really, she wanted me to call everyday and I wanted to call everyday. I would send her emails everyday and she would do the same.
We both liked the attention. Or at least, I did. It still doesn't change how shitty and worthless I feel. See here was something that I wanted to do for myself and her as well. I haven't been on vacation for quite a long time. She has been in school for a while now and since she's going to study abroad and go back to MSU right after that, I wanted to take her on vacation with me.
It would have been a romantic vacation. First we were planning on New York for a week. Everything was somewhat planned out and the biggest thing was the lodging. My parents offered their timeshare in NJ an hour away from New York. We were going to hang out in Central Park, go to a few museums, see a broadway show. We were also going to Montauk Bay in Long Island because that's where part of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was filmed.
We were going to spend a special romantic relationship building week together. Nope that didn't happen. I guess it "slipped" her mind and forgot that she had to house sit her mother's house. So the whole New York thing was now being cut off to be a short on. Instead of a week, we're going to be there for five days and I would be at her mom's house hanging out with her while she house sit. Well that didn't work out either because she needs to work.
Hmm, that sucks even more. So we then planned to have a nice romantic weekend in Toronto. Go stay at a swanky hotel. Check out the clubs out there. Be a couple with out any worries in the world. Well that's not going to work anymore since I don't have anyone romantic to go on vacation with.
I guess I'm just not going to take my vacation time and just do it some other time when someone who actually will appreciate me is willing to put up with my being clingy. I don't even try to be clingy but whatever. Yes, dreams and plans that fall apart. I wanted it to work. I wanted things to blossom into a fruitful and loving relationship. I guess some people had other plans.
I still feel shitty but really I don't think anyone can help me out here. It sucks to that she said that if I didn't call things would have been better. Well it's a good thing that I did so to get how you really feel out rather than letting it fester. It's over now. I'm back to being single. I've was single for a while.
I was fine then I think I will be okay. In fact I remember being single and being happy. Deep inside though, there's that feeling of wanting to share yourself with someone special. Someone who I can be romantic with. Someone who will appreciate me as well. I learned a few things from her.
First and foremost was I absorbed a lot of her be a high culture chick. I appreciate art and reading. I learned to think about things a different way. I learned to be understanding (but not understanding enough). I learned about a wonderful person who I fell for. I learned things but I can't help of hearing the song by Linkin Park... "I tried so hard and got so far.
In the end, it doesn't even matter" Yeah, that's my theme song for this relationship. I really tried so hard to be everything, in the end, she didn't want that. How dumb of me. So with that I guess that wraps up my whole weekend. It's shitty. Actually it's pretty damn shitty.
Besides losing a special girl, I can't help feeling lonely, alone, worthless. Meghan I told you to not read this but I'm sure you will anyways. I hope that you will be happy with your decision. I hope that this decision will make you happier than I made you. I will miss you but if you don't want to work through things then it is definitely better that we go our separate ways. If I am the only one watering the plant then fuck it.
It's really not worth it to continue. If I will be the only one working here then that's it. I really did fall for you. I would have given you the stars and the moon. Apparently, it's not what you wanted. I hope that the next guy will make you happier than I did.
I hope that both of you will be clingy together and be happy. Someone deserves your love and someone deserves mine as well. I wish you good life. Something tells me that you'll just forget about me soon anyways. Like you said, it's early enough in the relationship that this will be easy for you. Again have a good life and stop reading this.
Your next boyfriend deserves more attention than you give your boyfriends. I love you. Good luck. 
