  Fanlistings are unbelievably addictive. I slept 5 hours last night and I'm wide awake. Must be another effect of detox LOL... I'm now on Day 4 of the Master Cleanser and I feel way better than I did yesterday. After I'm done blogging I'll go get a tan, then come back and upload the rest of my Fanlisting images. Good thing I have lots of time to take it easy because I think if I had a job at this point I'd feel pressure to break my fast.
In any case, I have to do so tomorrow so I can be ready for the upcoming Convocation Week of visiting with family/friends/people I can't wait to never ever see again ;) I have only posted a few images from my graduating show, but if anyone wants to see more you can just let me know in the comments section. I have other stuff to put up soon but I need drivers for my goddamn POS scanner. I somehow misplaced the CD with all the stuff I need for it >:( I have a couple pics from Formal that I promised a long time ago, plus a few others. LOL this time last year Nick and I were breaking up! Although I miss him a lot I suppose it's for the best. At this time I can see that I had changed so radically from who I actually was (just to please him and avoid his criticism and judgment which was frequent to say the least) that my cheating, all of it, was a desperate attempt to find myself again.
On top of that, the guys who were after me delivered romance and friendship (I'm still good friends with one of them) and unquestioning acceptance. This was what was absolutely lacking from Nick's part all until the bitter end when it was too late for me to understand how much he was trying to let me know he loved me. For that I feel truly sorry and would repent if given half a chance. But seriously, I'd get things like shower-racks and pyjamas and other highly useful yet ABSOLUTELY unromantic things from Nick for Xmas and birthdays until my last birthday (nice clothes) less than a month before we officially hit the rocks. When other guys offered me flowers, formal dates and other traditional things, I got so confused as to whether Nick loved me or felt something else entirely.
His only salvation is the stack of carefully written letters, especially the ones near the end of our time together, which I will keep as a memento and record of our 3 years. Words are easy to write or say - it is actions that he so often neglected, promises of which are preserved on paper for many years to come.
(Yes, I promised things too, even broke some of them, but the most important and lasting part of our relationship, my unconditional love for Nick, was always delivered and always will be. ) By the end I had ended my cheating ways and was honestly devoted to him, but my life felt empty because I had no friends. When I started my job at Allie Lou's I suddenly had 60 awesome new friendships to develop and kinda went into overdrive because you see, Nick always encouraged me to have more friends.
I was certain I would please him immensely...but I was wrong. He got jealous when I only saw him 2, maybe 3 days a week and eventually told me to choose between him and my friends - a ridiculous and entirely self-centered demand! I toned it down a bit but Nick began accusing me of drinking, cheating and partying to escape. He was right in a way: I wanted to escape him, or at least the way he was beginning to treat me (as if I was beneath him, scum, a whore, a cheater, for partying instead of dealing with our relationship) and in fact the way he has treated me up to this very day. But I did NOT cheat and never even considered it. Nick always wanted me to be what I wasn't, which is why I became the way I did. He always was such an inconsiderate, self-serving and *above all* self-righteous manipulator. As a result he is incredibly and appallingly rude in every possible way.
Excuse me, I don't know where that came from but I'm glad it's out LOL! No wonder he lost me, because I have discovered after this year without him that I am in essence the polar opposite. I have to admit I truly miss that sex life. It was pretty decent for long stretches of time. Plus, when we hooked up for the last time, after we broke up, it was an amazing taste of what could have been had we stuck together. Oh well. I heard he's dating someone else now - I hope to god she reads this and leaves before it's too late, especially this next part: Unbeknownst to me early on in this so-called new relationship he MSN'd me at un ungodly hour to solicit me for sex. At the time I was briefly seeing another guy and declined to answer until I had the chance to ask him not to request sex again.
I found out much later that he had been seeing this girl at the time. Maybe he wasn't serious with her, but I think, from what I've heard, she would be upset (as any decent girl ought to be). After all that, although I don't *love* him that way anymore I will always use the things I learned from him and be incredibly grateful for them. In that way I do love him for certain, and because we shared a very important time. Still, it ought to be said that absolutely every single person I have ever encountered who is not one of his 4 major friends absolutely despises him and can't stand to be in the same room as he.
People wanted to throw me a party when he broke up with me; that's no word of a lie. Honestly, that says something important, and I hope he learns to change! Anyway, enough of that. I have found another person for whom I feel more honestly, maybe not as deeply yet, but by whom I am certainly loved unconditionally as Nick was never able to. OK I'm done. Bet you all liked that eh? It was compensation for being so truant from this blog in the last few months :) 
