  They say we all lose 21 grams at the exact moment of our death... everyone. The weight of a stack of nickels. The weight of a chocolate bar. The weight of a hummingbird. ---From 21 Grams Do you ever wonder how you would react if suddenly you lost not one, but three of your very best friends?? Lately I've been pondering this question. Sure it's easy to speculate and you hope that you would grieve like any 'rational' sane person would, but then I start to wonder if my sanity would be shattered and my life would be forever altered.
I've been fortunate enough to never really have to deal with death. It's kind of like I've been shielded from it these short 24 years of life. However, why is it that some are dealt such a terrible hand at so young of an age?? Is it because they're in some way special. People have told me that God never gives us more than we can handle....so I say that I will not bend, I will not break in the face of overwhelming fear or adversity or grief.
Sometimes I feel like I would like to write a letter to the Minister of Happy Days and request that he/she send a few good days to some of my friends, one in particular....they shall remain nameless. As bittersweet as it will be....he'll forever be a part of me, part of the story that I'll tell. When I write a book one day, I'll devote a chapter of it to him....(however that could shrink with more experience) I have never really believed in chance. I think that everything happens for a reason. I was meant on some cosmic level to meet Bill, to open my life as well as my heart to him. There's a reason why I feel like everything has been shattered into a billion tiny pieces and left in a state of chaos. There's a reason why it's taking me so long to mend from this....there's a reason why I feel that I won't ever completely mend. This is not to say that he sucked the life out of me, let's just say that he took a piece of me with him, a locket of sorts....but instead of my picture inside or a lock of my hair, he has some of those tiny pieces.
I suppose I could always go and retrieve it, but I've still got so much to give.....I think I'll let him keep it and wear it as a badge of honor. I'm hoping that somewhere down the road it will do him some good, perhaps even one day he'll thank me for it.
And maybe, just maybe it will help ward off further harm and damage. I know that at this point it's pointless to dwell on this topic, but has had quite an affect on me. How is it possible for me to have such depth of feeling for someone who doesn't appreciate me for me. We all need to find a good person who appreciates and values us for who we really are. If you find yourself not being yourself because your partner doesn't feel comfortable with it, or dulling the unique aspects of your personality so as not to threaten your partner, you really shouldn't be with them.
You want someone who wants you to be you and wants the best of you to come out, and with whom the feeling is mutual. It seems so simple, but it's amazing how much undermining goes on in relationships when there is insecurity present. *mental note, April 16th...almost a year to the day. 
