  "im here without you baby but youre still on my lonely mind, i think about you baby and i dream about you all the time. im here without you baby but youre still with me in my dreams and tonight, its only you and me..." work is very boring. sainsburys till staff should be paid a hell of a lot more for the crap work we do. would make it slightly better if we got a good wage. £3.76 an hour is not, in my opinion, very good. but sundays are better, £5.80 an hour, oOo. anyway, enough of my moaning about work, cant complain too much, they do give me some money i spose.
and its better than no money. wonder if cadet boy's gonna get credit any time soon.... he should be back on line in the next couple of days so should be able to talk to him soonish. i hope. im bored. i didnt think id ever say this but its the holidays and im not glad. i think i may be sick. and i feel totally crap again. and for no reason again. isnt it great? i have no idea why the hell i get so fucking depressed so i cant do a fucking thing about it.
shit or what? its really pissing me off. i have five nice new lines across my arm, theyre so pretty. and the red drips were beautiful. and i had no reason to do it. just boredom and some unknown trigger i guess. oh well, whats done is done, not a lot i can do about it now. i miss stupid things. like they way someone used to look and laugh for no reason. the way they felt when you held them. they way they knew how to make you smile. and i hate the fact that i miss it.
it was my decision, surely i shouldnt miss any of it. i should be the one shouting from the rooftops and being happy and joyful. and im not. i should be happy and glad and feel better for what i did. and i thought that i did feel better. at times i really do. i feel a hell of a lot better, not so much worry, less to think about. and then i start thinking more and i miss stupid little things.
things that i could, maybe, find in someone else. but i dont want to. at times i want to go back and do it again, only different. i want to go back to before and talk. sort it out before i went crazy. and then i look at what i have now and i dont want to lose that. i know i had to lose what i had before to gain what i have now. before i had a b/f who really liked me and cared for me but was ever so slightly paranoid and began to annoy me for absolutely no reason at all.
and now i have a b/f who cares for me, really likes me and is a little bit paranoid. can any one else see the similarilties? i look at it and i think and i come up with all kinds of crazy ideas that its all gonna go wrong again. i think i just have serious issues with relationships. i never expect them to last very long and then when they do i get scared im gonna lose everything.
and i end up throwing it away in the end anyway. doesnt really give a lot of hope does it? and people reading this are gonna think im some sort of crazed psycho for throwing it all away the first time and thinking that its all gonna go wrong again. maybe im the one who's paranoid... or maybe my life just doesnt seem like enough to care about. i think i have to raise my opinion of myself before i can actually get anywhere.
maybe thats what my problem. believing im not worth anything. i think that anyone who loves me or attempts to is completely crazy and shouldnt even bother. i only ever cause people pain. whatever happiness i can manage to instill is rapidly replaced but some kind of pain. whether it be emotional or physical or whatever. i can screw stuff up pretty well. if they gave out medals i like to think that i would be in the running for getting one for screwing up any good situation that is placed infront of me.
i write a lot of complete fucking shit. i wallow in self loathing far too much. positivity would be a much better option but i dont have the energy. its a wonder i manage to keep breathing. i am too lazy, too stupid and too fucked up to be allowed to keep living. if life was fair i would get run over by a bus or something. and there i go with the self loathing again. i really should shut the hell up. hate myself, want to die, one more shot, im going, goodbye. 
