  This is so hard for me to talk about. I know that I talk about it all the time and all of my friends know that I have problems dealing with my body image. But for some reason writing&nbsp;this down&nbsp;is a lot harder than talking about this with friends. Well basically, I have been feeling dissatisfied with my body for some time now. (DUH Everyone knows this) I have done so many different things trying to lose weight.
For the most part I do very well for several months and then for some reason or another I stop, gain everything back, plus some, and then start my vicious cycle all over. I am so very tired of doing this. I would like to get into a lifestyle change weight loss&nbsp;program but I am just not sure that I am motivated enough to do anything about it. I am just SOOOO very lazy. Alisha has been doing a great job of keeping me motivated as well as giving me some great ideas for making this happen.
I am just a person&nbsp;who needs instant gratification and I know that I just can't be like this anymore if I want to make this lifestyle change. Today with Alisha's help I narrowed down some of my key problems. Mainly, I work a sit down job where I eat all day and move nothing but my fingers. Because I am at work I don't have a lot of options for nutritional food and choose to eat whatever is in the vending machines... ie candy and chips. Alisha has given me some alternatives to these snacks and hopefully with a little planning I can eat a little more healthy at work. My nest problem is fast food. I am a person who is always on the go. I am never home and rarely do any of my eating in my house. Because of this I eat a lot from fast food places. I have decided to just choose options from these places that are more healthy. Most fast food places have figured out that health food is not just a fad and are now incorporating these things into their menus.
Lastly, there is exercise. Today I cancelled my YMCA membership because I just never go anymore. I can't afford to throw my money away in hopes that I will go to the gym and start my new life. Plus when school starts there is just no way that I will find time to go.
So I have decided that I am going to do my best to do some form of activity every day. I am not sure what this is going to be but I figure that when school starts I am going to do a lot of walking around campus. Maybe I will even dust off some of my workout tapes and do that again. Anyway, I am going to do my best. &nbsp; So here is the thing that has been upsetting me the most about this body image thing. As we all know Alek has been losing a lot of weight. Yesterday we went to buy him new jeans and he was fitting into the size 32 jeans. I was like Oh My God!!!! I just couldn't believe it. I mean I knew that he was thin but GOD DAMN!!!! So I just got very depressed. By the time we got home I was hating those damn jeans. Don't get me wrong he looked very hot but I just couldn't help but think that he is just going to get tired of his fat girlfriend and leave me. He tells me all the time that he thinks I am sexy but I just can't believe him. How can anyone think this body is sexy???
So I know this is just my little demon telling me this but I can't help but listen. So anyway I am going to do my best to change the way I look so that I don't have to listen to that little demon anymore. I am not doing this to keep Alek because I know that he will love me no matter what but at the same time I just can't get upset anymore without being prepared to do something about it.
I am not going to get sucked into fad diets and I am not going to try to crash myself into getting thin fast. I am just going to try to do my best and make some small changes that I can live with for the rest of my life. Hopefully this way I don't fall into the same old patterns. 
