  urlLink Matt's Livejournal. After our meeting yesterday we had a conversation about the topic that we have beaten to a bloody pulp. It was about our relationship. And its funny how both of us beat around the bush when we talk about it. I really don't have a clear picture of his feelings towards me. I never have the courage to ask.
But I know my feelings towards him. Well, I think I do. But I never have the courage to say it. Maybe its an even-steven deal where I won't tell him in exact words how I feel until he tells me how he feels. I think I like him. I think he's one of the greatest people in the world that I have met.
I really don't know why he still talks to me. He is so much better in almost everyway. He gets high SAT scores. He's going to Japan as an exchange student into one of the best Japanese schools. The Emporer went there. He has this and that.
Yet, he still talks to me. And I think he still expresses ideas that he is interested in me. But why? He can find so many other people that are better than me. Richer, smarter, quicker, wittier, more awesome, better violinists, better conversationalist. Its weird how he still talks to me.
For whatever reason. Or maybe he's doing this until he leaves and in which he'll never speak to me again. I don't know which would be worse; him not speaking to me now or him not speaking to me when he leaves. Both are pretty bad. I don't know. Its all very complicated.
And sometimes I wish I didn't beat around the bush as much. Sometimes I wish I had enough courage to just dive to the heart of the matter and end it right then. The whole day that we spent together, I felt that I was being so boring. He said afterwards online that I was a different person in real life than I am online. I don't know if he was saying that he liked my online personality more or something else. All he has seen thus far is my online personality.
This was the first time we met. And it was so scary. Stressful. Maybe we should meet again and talk about these issues in person. It'll be more stressful but things will be solved. What do I want?
I don't know. Wha tdo I expect? I don't know. I don't know anything and that bothers me. 
