  It is 11:30 at night, and I just got home from work. I spent hours doing nothing again. Not really nothing I suppose, but it felt like it, anyway. There seems to always be some futile bit of paperwork for me to deal with, on a relatively continuous basis. The experience level is so low at work, it is really frustrating sometimes. I am forever pulling up audio records of the days events to figure out who screwed up where.
It is the beauty of ATC; EVERYTHING is recorded, and the tapes do not lie. Digital audio tapes, but tapes nonetheless. SO that was the story for Friday. I got to work at 0500, and did not get out of there until 2100 that night; and Friday was supposed to be slow and easy. It all evens out though, except for the hours. I make up for the easy days with the 16 hour ones.
If only people could exercise common sense more often and keep there proverbial heads out of there proverbial asses, I would be a happy camper. I can not remember the last time I slept well. I awaken 15 times a night, and that is not an exaggeration. I grind my teeth. I have nightmares, that never end. I slept this way for 12 hours today, and feel like hell.
Tomorrow I will start running again, on a more consistent basis. I still smoke, but not as much when I run consistently. I do not really want to quit, but I hear it is detrimental to one's health. That sucks. I wish it were good for you. Nothing I like is good for me it seems.
I need therapy.. :) I joke, but who knows. There is an alarm going off right now. It is for the volunteer fire brigade. It sounds like the bomb alarms from Israel...from Iraq too. Disconcerting. Still have the urge to run for cover.
Pretty damn freaky. Back to my nightmares. On Sunday, I had a dream that I was standing on the airfield in Iraq, and there was a B-767 taking off. It was coming straight towards me, started to lift off, lost control, slammed back down into runway 15, rolled and exploded everywhere. Then there was fog and darkness, and I was scrambling for my latex gloves to go help look for survivors. Blood and body parts everywhere, a man on a stretcher with no arms and half a jaw.
Reaching through a broken windscreen covered in blood and brain matter. So real I gagged in my sleep, and I never gag. This went on for 9 hours. Last night I dreamt that I was on the phone, and Dana was telling me she wanted the coffee tables again, and I was so angry I was shaking. Fucking coffee tables. "If you want it, you can take it all away from me, it's all you'll ever have, cause I don't give a fuck"- courtesy Puddle of Mudd , echoed with contempt by yours truly.
Mother and Dad want to come see me for 2 weeks. While I love them very much, and would enjoy spending time with them, having them at my house for two weeks, two weeks that I have to work and go to school and maintain some level of sanity is, I believe, more than I am able to bear at the moment. They reside in a place that is different from my reality. That is fine, I am just unable/unwilling to accept any more constructive criticism at the moment. I need to think, to find a way and a place to relax, but I can not escape this bullshit in my personal life long enough to think. If I do not answer my phone for a couple of weeks, you can refer to this entry as to why that may be.
I am seriously considering it. Last week was a traumatizing week in a lot of ways. I had conversations with my newest ex-girlfriend that people of our limited background should never have to have. Luckily for me, her, and the rest of the world, nothing materialized out of that one. Now I am turning both cell phones off and disappearing from the face of the earth for a few...Days, weeks, who knows. It is time to go stare at the ceiling for awhile, and fight my demons till the sun comes up.
I am completely absent of anything resembling human emotion with the exception of rage and disgust. 
