  Trials and tribulations... I am running out of options. I just got an email from another job I was hoping to get, and again when it got to the references part, a screeching halt. I don't know if its coincidence, or paranoia or what. I just have this awful feeling one of my references is deceiving me, or just screwing up. I am working on a way to re-assure myself it is not that but something else. I hope to God that I am not right. I am so scared right now, I am so close to either failing or achieving my life's dream, and I am walking a razor's edge. I had written a nastier, ruder version of my theory, but took a second to re think it. I need to be careful to not burn any more bridges, but I do feel very hurt and bitter right now.
I have another interview with a big company tomorrow, unfortunately the man interviewing me is the brother in law of one of my old employers, who also was a customer of mine. This was the customer who almost died in shock when I announced my change. It should be interesting, I am scared what he might find out about me, when he calls his brother in law, but I refuse to lie down and go away.
I am going to play this one openly and honestly, this is who and what I am. I can sell, and I have a little something in my past, let me prove to you how good I can do. If it works, great, if not, I am no worse off, he is going to find out anyway. On a brighter note, I spent a good amount of time going back and updating the book. I am reworking the chapter on the fuzzy in-between time of part time rlt, and coming out. It is really cool to see how stuff has changed in just a few months since I wrote the first draft. It also opened up some wounds. I am going to share two snipets from this chapter of my work in progress. Snipet one talks about my leaving hockey and my friend Chris. I have taken out my old male name, I know some of you know it, but I do wish to have just a little privacy. I have won over a dozen trophies over the all the years of playing, I"ve kept them all as mementos, but I only display two of them. The first one is from my only undefeated season, the same season I finished second in scoring by one point, and I had missed some games coming off of knee surgery. The second one is the last one that I won, my retirement trophy. After that final buzzer blew on the deciding game of the finals, I turned to my long time friend and team captain Kevin, shook his hand and said "thank you, its been fun, I'm retiring.
" The look of shock was replaced with a smile, and he responded "good try", he thought I was joking. He said things like:" it's in your blood, or you're too young. " I just responded that I needed time to fix my marriage, he bought it. Like I said it is easier to believe that someone you've know forever is going thru marital troubles, than it is they want to be a girl.
They called me a few times, whenever it was time for a new season. I went back for one game at a state of the art facility that I always dreamed of playing in, it was awesome. It was a full Olympic sized rink, you could eat off the sport court surface, and they not only announced goals, assists, and penalties, but they also played music in between plays.
It was what I had dreamed of, but it was too late for me. I was too far on my journey, and I needed to focus on more important things than hockey. I think I finally got them to stop when my good friend Chris called me after N***** and I had split and said" Ok, you're settled, now come back and play, its fun, you could use a distraction.
" I replied to him "sorry it's just not in my blood any more, I don't miss it one bit. " From the silence on the other end of the phone, you would think that I just told him I had some terrible disease. He was shocked and replied" I NEVER, EVER, thought those words would come out of your mouth". Which I replied "me neither, but things CHANGE, and people want different things out of life. " I kind of thought that gave him a clue of what was going on. I can't prove it, but I just felt it that he knew. He had been in the circle of few who knew about my past trans feelings and that we both knew that after his wife found out about me that she would no longer allow us to be friends. His wife, while a sweetheart, was ultra protective of their two daughters, and she would NEVER allow them to be exposed to someone like me. They might grow up to be freaks themselves. I even hoped that they would keep me around just enough to use me as a threat to the kids: Do your homework, or you'll end up like S****. Eat your veggies, or you'll end up like S****. Say your prayers, and be good, or you'll end up like S****. You know just like we were kids, and our parents would tells us awful things that would happen if you failed to tow the line. But I knew deep down once he knew our friendship would be over, and he had been close to me since high school.
He was one of my best men at my wedding (yes I had to be different and have two) and he was like a brother to me. We were often mistaken in mixed company as brothers and we treated each other as such. Snipet two pertains to a funny thing that happened between me and tubby while I still had respect for him.
My favorite surreal moment at work though came as I was driving to or from an electrology appointment that I had told my colleague was a dental appointment. He had called me while I was being treated and when I reminded him that I was getting the teeth worked on he quipped" geez the work on the hair, you're fixing the teeth, what's next a sex change?
" I wanted to scream so bad "Yes you fat fuck, that is exactly what I'm going to do. And then once they are done, I'm going to come up and give you a big ole trans sexual lap dance, just so you can be sure they got rid of every inch. " But thankfully I thought better of it. I liked the guy, but deep down I always had the suspicion that he was out to get me so he could be top dog. He never came out and said it, but I think it was convenient for him to keep tabs on me. I played dumb and fed him the information that I wanted him to have, all the time, he thought he was sly. urlLink postCount('107939889617312343'); | urlLink postCountTB('107939889617312343'); 
