  One month and counting... A month ago today, well by date, I did one of the stupidest things I have ever done, ok except for voting for W. I hit rock bottom that Friday May morning and got halfway through committing suicide. I don't like leaving things unfinished, but I will make an exception on that one. I really don't know exactly what sent me totally off the edge, I am just glad that I figured out what I was doing before it was too late. I wish I could say it was the darkest time of my life, but it is nothing compared to when my son was in ICU at just 10 days old and I thought God was punishing me by making my little dude sick, those days far outweighed last month. It still was a scary time for me, I truly didn't care for about 20 minutes whether I lived or died, I was at some odd peace. I have a new type of peace in my life. I have examined it greatly in the last month, and trust me there is allot of living I have left to do, and shit I need to get done. That being said though, if I were to be taken off the face of this earth today, I would have no regrets. I have experienced much in my 34 years here. I have felt unconditional love, I have a soul mate, I have better friends than anyone else I know, I have experienced so much life I am thankful for. It is odd to have a peace like this at my age, but I don't play by any certain rules anyway. I would miss all the folks who have made my life so wonderful, but the pleasure of having them in my life has brought me great joy.
I of course would not get the pleasure of having a female body, but the joy of being treated like one is so fucking awesome it really wouldn't matter. I will be getting surgery one day, and I am going nowhere soon, but it is how I feel now. Of course there is the issue of missing out on some certain extra curricular activities I still wish to try with a whole list of folks who will remain nameless for there own good.
I made a list of my accomplishments when I was in the hospital, and even I was impressed. I have done allot in my life, everything from saving a few lives (1 drowning, 1 choking), to performing on stage, and having sex in a hot tub. It might seem vanilla to some folks but I am really happy with all the stuff I have done over the years indeed. I am so grateful for all I have in my life, and all that is to come. It seems so odd to me that I had to almost loose my life to appreciate all I truly have.
Yes I lost all my money, yes it will take me longer to get surgery, yes I am lonely in love, but these are all so temporary compared to death. While I wish I saw this before, in some weird way, as my friend Tanya put it, I needed to have a breakdown to purge all the stress.
Wow she can make a mean martini and has good advice, somebody better hire her soon as a bartender. Whatever the reason I am glad I walked through my fire, and while I didn't pass this test with flying colors, I still walked out alive. I haven't come out totally unscathed, I have some holes in a normally strong memory, and odd feelings every now and then. I thought I was going nuts tonight when the TV kept changing channels on me, until I realized one of our tenants got a new dish system today, and our remotes got crossed signals. Man I really hate technology sometimes. This isn't a time I will look back on too fondly other then the fact I made it through ok. It's a shame our esteemed Govenor couldn't come through the same way too. It's about time that snake got his come up ins. It really couldn't happen to a better person. I still won't go back to being a republican any time soon, but at least there is one less bad example in office.
Now we just need one more administration to do the same. I also realized today my big boss, our publisher, is a bit rough and annoying. He seems like a nice enough guy, but he pissed me off today,he just kept trying to pile more work on me. It sounds odd, but it was good to see I am not dreaming, but indeed still alive. He usually leaves well enough alone, but my boss was out getting a lump or two removed from her breasts today, I hope she is ok, she is a nice lady and will be in my prayers tonight for sure.
This whole breast cancer shit scares me to death, my aunt had a bit removed last year, and mom has to go to have some lumps get a closer look at tomorrow. Neither one of us is really able to handle another big dilemma in life right now, and I hope God and the universe are listening, and that she will be just fine. I hope I never have to deal with the issue at all, but with my family history I highly doubt it. Have a great night, and love to all. urlLink postCount('108781707488611051'); | urlLink postCountTB('108781707488611051'); 
