  Are we ready to proceed? After her hand left the grip of mine I watched Steve's face as he beamed in my direction.
Was he surprised I was so nice, was he glad to see me, was he gloating? For the first time ever, I couldn't read what Steve's eyes were saying. For the next hour or so we all continued to hang out by the beer tent. I couldn't really tell you how many beers I/we finished in that time, but I know it was atleast 3 - 16 oz bottles with the possibility of a shot mixed in there(?).
The longer we stayed the more people we picked up along the way. Jeffy and SC eventually wandered over and Slightly Stupid became a part of the mix at some point. S & S were away from each others side for majority of the evening, but anytime he came close to me I thought she was going to burn holes right through my jean jacket with her eyes. Eventually alcohol got the better of me and I thought it a grand idea to pull Shannon aside and talk to her.
I don't remember most of what I said but do know that some of it may or may not have been appropriate. My purpose was to make her feel comfortable and make sure that it wasn't a big deal that I was around. To tell her that eventually this was going to happen and I found out that she was waiting for it and wanted to get it over with as much as I did.
In the end we made nice and on some strange level made friends. We finally rejoined the group twenty minutes later when Big C came over and put an end to the seriousness. Off to McGillicuddy's we go. Yes,we. Why at this point am I not running for the hills? I couldn't, none of the guys would let me be backed out of the group by her. You see the secret is...nobody likes her. Shhh. So it's out at the beer garden at McGillicuddy's having more beers and more good times. 2 more beers later I think it's a grand idea to steal Steve away from the group and have the same conversation with him.
After all, I just wanted to make sure nothing was awkward. I heard such things as "You know I'll always love you" "Everything I told you that day was honest and sincere, nobody will ever take your place. You were more to me than anybody else ever would be. " "I think about you a lot, more than you probably think I do" "You will always be Auntie Lisa to Dylan, there is no Auntie Shannon and never will be. That kid loves you to death and it makes me so happy to know that you're still around" "My friends all love you, there's no reason you shouldn't be around. I hear things Lisa and I know what's going on with you, I ask questions" "You know me better than anybody else ever has, we're always connected.
" "I've always said you have a huge heart and mean well you deserve somebody who will give you everything you ever wanted, I tried but we just didn't work. " It's funny cuz I still can't figure out if he was trying to convince me of something or if he was trying to assure himself. For some reason we rehashed all the old news, it was a good thing. It was good to revisit that after all the emotions weren't quite so raw.
I tried to keep the conversation really light and just make things not so awkward (which they weren't at all anyways) but he just kept telling me all these things about his feelings...what gets me is why he would bring it up and rehash it all of his own accord unless he was unsure. But that's just me reading into and overanalyzing things that don't need to be. After an hour of talking off by ourselves we ended the convo and headed back towards the group..
He gave me a hug and whispered in my ear "Never forgotten". Off I went to the bathroom and when I came back, we were leaving. Him and Shannon way ahead of the group and me way at the end. Finally my cell phone was working again as I drove out of the parking structure and I dialed all the peeps I misplaced at the festival. I was in serious need of rehashing my evening or making some sort of sense of it. Nobody was anywhere and I left somewhat frantic messages for multiple people, but nobody to talk to =( Not even my room mate was home. I reflected on the evening the entire way home and came up with the following: When I saw Steve I had an adrenaline rush all through my body.
When Shannon came up I freaked a little but held it together and managed to hold conversations with her. I saw them touch on two occasions, as he guided her through the wood chips in the beer garden and later as we stood by the bar they had a quick kiss. I felt nothing as I saw them kiss. Nothing, no jealousy, no anger, no disgust, nothing. When I walked off with him to talk we sat in silent for a minute and just stared at each other.
His eyes smiled and we had a conversation without words, until he finally blurted out "It's great to see your face", to which I replied "I just brought you over here to stare at you". It was all very cute and flirty but it made me realize that my feelings for Steve aren't there. I wasn't sure until then, I mean I've been saying that I'm over it and I've had my closure, but I knew that I'd never really know my true feelings until I saw him and I was tested.
I'm in love with the idea of Steve. Having somebody I can have a conversation with without even speaking. Somebody I can sit across a table from and just stare at and never blink or look away. Somebody who knows what I'm thinking before I even think it. Somebody who understands me and why I do the things I do. Somebody who knows what I mean when I say "It's been that kind of a day".
But that person isn't him just because I loved him, that person was him because we took so much time and got to know each other. We were extremely close and connected because we worked at it, because we loved each other. It's not Steve who I miss, it's the type of relationship we had. That's what I'm in love with. The strangest part of the evening: Shannon and I holding hands as we fought our way upstairs to the ladies room..yes I said holding hands.
I do it with all my friends and it just kind of happened...What the fuck? 
