  i couldn't help thinking about my chat last night with jammi. i was gonna update my blog when i noticed that he was online so i talked to him. i don't know what came over me that suddenly i was all serious and stuff. i asked him, "hypothetically speaking, what if i became your ex or something, how would you break up with me?". he said it depended on the reason we broke up. i told him what if we just fell out of love. he said he'll tell me, "alex, i don't think is working out anymore. i've fallen out of it. " next thing i knew, i was feeling teary and heavy. it hurt and it wasn't true [yet..i hope not] what more if it was? then, a few minutes later, i realized why i asked him. i remember monique freaking me out when she said i should prepare myself for a break up so i won't be sulking around when it does happen.
then, suddenly, i gathered enough courage to say what i've been itching to tell him. i told him he was my inspiration. then an "i love you" and i logged out because our computer was flipping out. i was kinda annoyed when he made lambing to me. i was serious, i'm not sure if he was. sometimes, i wish we didn't fall in love. maybe it was better if i was the only one who fell. i just realized that all relationships that end up in romance are as cliche as the golden rule. wasn't it more thrilling and exciting when we were itching to say what we felt and how each other's presence was an added suspense?
wasn't it funner when i was so excited to be being in the next level than actually being on it? it's not that i don't like where we are now because i do, i just can't help falling madly in love. i always thought being so head over heels in love is much more fulfilling. i can't help holding back. all because of my bad experiences i can't indulge my self in his 'i love you's, i find it so hard to trust him so much as i trusted JP, i can't fall any deeper.... i don't know what's happening to me. probably because i deprived myself of my own freedom that i don't see the point of enjoying. maybe it's because i'm jealous because my friends have boyfriends and i know almost exactly what'll happen[face it, men will be men].
this is even worse than my insecurity. i can't say i've fallen out of love because i haven't. i don't know if it's out of love or pity. i just can't hurt jammi, it would hurt me even more. suddenly, i start thinking about the future, what if i was to go abroad? what will we do when the schoolyear starts? i can't believe sometimes, i find myself thinking of marrying him and having children with him. i had this picture in my mind with him and our kid.
it was nice but sometime soon, i have to delete that from my memory. but looking at the bright side, here are 3 reasons why i say he's my inspiration: 1. the thought of him provokes the outpour of words which are my "works" 2. he makes my day brighter and he has the ability to put me into a bad mood 3. whenever i talk to him, i believe that there's still one person who isn't everybody else's marionette and he makes me strive to be different. i have others in mind but they won't come out. *** man, i've got issues...serious ones... 
