  gosh, i feel so guilty about ranting about my own stupid life. they're right, you shouldn't comlain about your problems because someone out there will always have a bigger problem than you...or something. i can't believe i've been whining for so long when i should be glad that heaven, hell and earth are fallingdown on me like a landslide. i'm lucky both my parents are my real parents. i'm glad i don't have an ex who will try out suicide. i'm thankful i don't live in front of a pool with out-of-tune people sing all day long.
i'm thankful i have someone with me. i read the cosmo mag[i duno if i'm allowed to. ] a few hours ago and it started sinking to me that men really do talk. it was said there that girls should let the guys talk to attract them or something. i know jammi isn't the "following the herd" type so i don't know if i attract him by letting him do most of the talking. but, i guess there's a "deeper" meaning to it.
i mean, when i talk to daryl, it's always me talking. and when i realized that i'm learning to listen because of my chats with jammi, i started feeling kind of guilty for being so darn talkative. that should be one of the things i should change in high school. i remember mae giving me this folder with proverb-like stuff and in front was written, "to talk is a skill, to listen is an art". wow, hit me pretty hard. i also read the good housekeeping mag and it was said there that teens tend to lose themselves when they're in love.
i guess, it's the same for me. i haven't talked long to my friends lately because i'm always in the internet. is it really my fault? am i obligated to call them? i know i should be doing it out of the goodness of my heart, but the problem is, there's no more goodness left in me. heehee...... my life was never "almost perfect"... at least from what i see and feel.
my classmates always said i was the girl nearest to perfection. i have a good family, i excel in school, i'm pretty, i can handle situations and i am loved by all. i feel like throwing up whenever they assume i'm living a perfectly happy life. because i'd rather live a life where i struggle in school, my family's broken into pieces, i look ordinary and where nothing much is expected of me. sure, every once in a while, i'd love my life and never wish to trade it with someone else's. but the problem is, when i get used to the feeling of perfection, i get bored with it.
meaning, i'm bored with my own life. i hated it when i easily understood stuff in school. i was supposed to be challened in there but instead, i'm only fed with information i already know or lessons as easy as addition. im not really loved by all, no one is. by many, maybe, but definitely not all. when i fight with daryl, obviously, she doesn't love me.
when i'm being a total klutz, i bet my brother wishes i was never born. sure, my parents love me, my friends, my teachers, my family do. but it hits me, do they love me or are they only obligated to do so. maybe loving is an obligation so maybe at some point it's not spontaineous. but if love is everybody's obligation then i guess it's not really a matter of discusiion anymore.honestly, i can't handle situations. they think i do because i don't break out and cry...in front of them.
i do. when work at the theresian mag was getting out of hand, i would run to the restroom and have a long nervous breakdown. whoever said crying doesn't help is wrong. it does, a lot. it helps you relax and you tend to think more clearly when you do. i don't know about anyone else but crying works for me.
sometimes i wish i was in a different school. so then, i can start over. i could lay low, i could build a new laid-back personality. but that would be running away and leaving the things i started undone. sometimes i wish my own parents would only let me be myself. i wish they would tell me to do my best and aim for perfection.
i wish they'd be satisfied with an ordinary daughter. when i grow up, i don't want to be put up in a high position right after i graduate. i want to work hard to attain that "greatness". then i'd feel more satisfied and i would know i really worked hard for it. sure, i may have worked hard for it in college, but then it would be unfair that i only had to work hard in a protected environment. i wonder if my parents would just throw me out into the real world.
i would like that. i would learn by experience. i would learn by example. i would learn on my own. heheh, that's a lot! 
