  this has been such a bad day. i feel so out of it and i feel sorta washed out and not at all refreshed for the week. i listened to some music, watched tv and i still feel like shit. another week, another day, life life life. i still keep thinking abt kash's mail. i was surprised when he told me he kept up with the blog.
he seems to be very happy in australia. the last time he came back to singapore, things didnt go very well between us. he was very depressed for some reason and he kept a lot to himself. and i was very bogged with thesis work. i understand that feeling when returning to spore, how it feels so hot and so crowded. i had the same feeling when i returned from minnesota.
but one gets used to it after a mth. he seemed relieved to head back. i wonder why he is involved with something that obviously looks like it has some trust issues problem. surely, he is at a stage (and age) to see how stupid that is. but it is not in my place to say really. and i know he will get really sensitive abt my discussing something so personal abt him on a so-called open air forum. he marvels that i can air my feelings through such a medium. but no one really reads the blog apart from very very close friends. so i dont think im really 'revealing everything online' or something. it would be rare for someone to stumble upon the small queen's chronicles. Lady Strange is pretty manic abt confidentiality on her blog. i was shocked to read abt how her friend sort of blew her off when she tried to help him out the other day.
she really shouldnt keep his company, he sounds like a real jerk. im glad she told him off. on one hand, i hope kash returns to singapore so i can talk to him and all that. and on the other hand, i think it helps our friendship for him to be somewhere so far away. we have a knack of rubbing each other up the wrong way. when i saw him last, i was still my stupid moony self-absorbed self. i really have come a long way since then. but whats the point of convincing him how much different things are or how i can be a better friend. our past is pretty much carved in stone and there is no changing some bad times that had existed between us. and i suppose the whole rajpal thing hurt him a lot. gosh, i didnt mean for it to upset him in any way.
i didnt expect him to even read the blog all that much. i mean...the blog is so damn banal for god's sake..i wouldnt read it after some time myself. i hope he doesnt take the rajpal talk too much to heart because its not really like that ... i have my issues with that relationship because of the terrible way it ended. and my stupid behaviour. and i felt i let rajpal down big time when he needed me most in his honors year, and now he hates me.
who can blame him, sometimes i hate myself. whereas in kash's case, he went off and went to another country and found himself another girl. so i dont feel broody abt that at all. in fact, if anything i feel so happy for the guy. oh well. so today has not been such a good day for me. i dread tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that. i am so tired. life can get tiring...it can get monotonous. and it can get disillusioning. 
