  well today is part one of my birthday celebrations. we are having dinner at arab street tonight: chris, sharon, haydon, daniel, elodie.. i have bought a cake to grace the event (or half a cake? )..and im decked out in a lovely ethnic costume today in gold.. and on monday, it is the kumar show. so far RK, Mayank, Chris and Karthik has agreed to come. I am going to invite Subbu, Maninder and my mother too. apparently kumar has a way of dragging the birthday girl out on stage and embarassing the hell out of her. that would be interesting to see.. apart from that all is well. my father sent me to work on his bike today.
i think my father and i are building some form of a connection. this morning my father was telling the maid off and my mother was spurting and heaving..the maid is very spoilt and does a lot of funny things and its because of my mom. of course, my mom would rise in retaliation of my dad. problem with mom is that she lets pple take advantage of her and she is very simplistic. dont get me wrong, i really do love my mother. but she really messes up in people relations. one good example is my brother. he has to be the worst type of character i have ever seen and its all because of mom. though she will rant and rave if we tell her that. and now it is this maid, whom i really cant stand at all.- all because of mom. thank goodness that mom practised favouritism and ignored me most of the time when i was younger.
or punished me so severely every time jeshi made a mistake. at that time, i felt wronged and unloved...and yes that manifested itself in several sort of behaviours in the later part of my life- my esteem issue is one thing and the highly dependent relationships i formed ..i wanted to be mothered and cared for...these issues, i have begun to resolve of late. but im just glad that she didnt spoil me and that i had to go through the hard life. i used to marvel at children whose parents actually listened to them and gave them what they wanted. my mother would never tolerate our speaking back and delivered a stinging slap if you got spoilt and demanded something. that was good for me. rajesh on the other hand, had my mom twisted around his chubby finger. but look what has become of him now... like what my father said, in the end he will suffer. i sure turned out a lot better than him. he used to be the mean , bullying sort...always getting his way..being a real selfish idiot.
and life dealt him his cards. and dealt me mine. i am very happy these days. a lot happier than i used to be. i still marvel at the what i call 'the dark years' of my life. all throughout my JC and my Uni days. I was a very unhappy person and i did all sorts of crazy things. and i formed the worst sort of relationships with boys..totally dependent on them, having no confidence ..stuff like that... i didnt have much of a personality.
and i kept hiding in the shadows best i could. it is only recently that i have come out of my shell and started seeing life as something really great and having immense possibilities. and to think that at one time, i was really very suicidal when it came to life.... it is ironic. i am glad the dark years are over,. some pple fall deeper. i got myself out of it. 
