  Timeline: Present To a disciple who was forever complaining about others the Master said, "If it is peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people. It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole of the earth. " Anthony de Mello, SJ I am aware that ever since I have been involved in digging the foundations of the Humanity's Team, I have fallen behind with the Past timeline. However, these days, I am going through a brand new phase of enlightenment within myself and this hastily leads to my coming to terms with "all that had happened" in my life so far. New Spirituality enables me to reconsider the past events in my life with a refreshing understanding through a quite painful but cultivating process which includes the fact that I am not the victim of the catastrophes that kept occurring subsequently but rather the realization that I am the creator of them. The reason of my falling behind in the continuity of my coming out story is probably because when I complete this phase, I will be using a totally new set of vocabulary than I would do at the moment.
Hence, "the pain of the process" since it requires a great self realization and being truthful to one's self. Usually, just like everybody else, instead of searching for the why of an event, I have happened to actualize it to find an excuse which can also be deciphered as "disguising the fact that I am the cause of all that I am today with a very reasonable approach so as to ignore my being the magnet of that event". Now to turn this train of thought into reality is easier to say than do. Thus, I decided to take another path and looked at my dad's life which has been our lives for the last 5 years. Obviously, it is much easier to consider others instead of looking deep within yourself and the things that you have been casting aside as you kept lying to yourself. There are certain statements that my dad had been repeating in the miserable course of events which started making sense as I envisioned him under this spotlight. Almost a week ago, dad and I were going through a conversation which was bouncing back and forth between a discussion and a quarrel.
It was a bitter one since I was being quite pushy and was deliberately drawing him towards his borders and making him face the reality that he had been rationalizing. In doing so, I had no intentions to "correct" him, let me explain this part. A most precious understanding New Spirituality has given me is the element of "perfection. " Perfection in everything. Yes, even in perfection within poverty (and as you already know, I have been having a thoroughly harsh experience of poverty). I knew that whatever was happening to my dad (and to me via him) was the perfect consequence of our choices and states of minds. Thus, just like everybody else, we were creating this "poverty setting" for our own good and nothing could be "judged" in this process.
Everyone experiences his/her deepest beliefs about themselves. Now if I was somebody else, this probably would have made no sense yet these are my words my friends. You can come up to me and ask, "Aura we have been witnessing and reading your life for 6 months and you are telling us that you have deserved this?". My answer would be, my friends, that it has nothing to do with "deserving" but "choosing" and to be able to understand that choice here I am inviting you to the very cores of my dad and myself.
Here are the things my father said to me during the course of this conversation: "Aura do you really believe that I have not tried? 5 years ago, I arranged meetings with the managers of the 10 topmost firms in this country and they all told me the same thing, "Sorry, Mr. Mars. You are far beyond our expectations". This is a silkened version of saying, "We are not interested". I tried but I was turned down! At 64, it is not easy to gulp down being rejected. At 64, it is not easy to start all over again..." Now can you clearly see how he sees himself as? He has rooted beliefs deep in his psyche that "it is not easy" to start life all over again at 64. He actually has rooted fears about starting life anew which also implies that he finds it extremely hard to be handed with an opportunity for a beginning.
He also possesses a pride (which is also a version of fear because everything, I repeat every thing originates either from fear or love ) that disables him from keep trying since those initial failures concerning rejection had hurt him in the past. Thus, instead of taking an active route, taking responsibility for these fears and accepting them as they are (which is the crucial step towards changing it), he is taking the passive route and justifying his actions and current state.
Let's go back to hearing him, "...and people are after young, fresh minds instead of an old and soon-to-be obsolete one. That and I couldn't have surrendered to 500 bucks a month as if I'm being pitied. How could you expect me to settle for an amount like that and accumulate the money needed for your new life..." If you really need one justification, that would be that if dad had "surrendered to 500 bucks a month" 5 years ago, he would have approximately tripled his salary 5 years afterwards and as of today. However, no judgments on my part! Never! I am not recording this conversation to belittle my father but rather analyze and distinguish the elements that his deepest understanding of himself have created as our present. "...I long for the compassion and unconditional love from my own daughter but I accept the fact that we can never achieve it within our current reality so I search for that compassion in others..." Interesting. And here I was wondering why on earth I had started feeling irritated by his presence all of a sudden. Why, in 5 long years, had I never ever thought about accusing him of "failing my trust in him" but have been doing so now? However, it is very self-explanatory, is it not? My father has been very skillfully creating this outcome by simply thinking likewise and I was just the pawn on his chessboard. He was altering his thoughts (which are the outcome of one's deepest beliefs and the tools of creation) and we were simply acting accordingly. "...and even if we did achieve it, I wonder if you could ever forgive either me or your mother for ignoring your birth defect. We have lost the opportunity of building up a healthy parental pattern from your childhood..." That is even more interesting.
I cannot recall claiming the impossibility of building a healthy relationship with my dad even once. Moreover, I never claimed that it was "way too late" for trying after this point. On the contrary, I always stated that it was "never too late". However, the belief is there on my dad's part. If he does not work to change this "belief" than we will obviously experience just that.
However, as I already said, everything is "perfect" in its own way. To accept and embrace this perfectness and to have the freedom of choice across these events is the exciting part. That is to say, my father creates a reality that includes me and then I have two options: 1) I can follow this reality. 2) I can choose to create something new for myself. What I have been doing for the last 5 years is simply choosing the first option.
Hence, neither my dad is nor I am "wrong"; None of us has the "fault". They were simply our choices be it consciously or unconsciously. Nowadays, this phase I have been going through is making me face all these quite brutally. Because I choose it to be so. I have never been a woman who takes things swiftly (which is, yet another choice). Swift doesn't work for me (there you go. Another belief, another self selection). I am quite grateful for the Past timeline of Phantasmemoria since it makes it easier for me to go through them once again and reconsider them. It is brutal. Yet the effect, when not attempted to be put under control, is quite temporal. As Joan Borysenko, says: "The paradox of control is simple. The more we try to control life, the less control we have.
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