  Why…?! Must I go down that road again? It’s like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean, with nothing but a lifeguard. I have to fight to stay on it, and when I finally get up on it, I fall off, having to fight even harder to stay alive. Sometimes it makes you wanna give up and just let go. This time I allowed myself to become happy again.
I felt this huge bliss, but I knew from experience that whenever I do that, all bad things come back three fold. I know it sounds odd, but I felt it coming yesterday, and to prevent it from hitting too hard, I cut (that’s why I did it yesterday)… I broke down crying afterwards, realizing what I had done, but I was right… A lot of bad stuff happened today. Lars and I went on a brake; I got into a fight with my mom. All of this was happening on my best friend birthday; I had to keep on a smiling face for her sake. I took her out for dinner, bought her a present and went to my place were we saw two movies (to movies about happy, never ending love) All the time I kept thinking what had I done… After she went home, I started crying uncontrolled… It changed into a rage.
I threw my stuff around, screamed into my pillow and sad staring up on the dark sky. I couldn’t eat anything; I kept feeling sick every time I saw food. My self-confidence was gone completely. I felt that if I would loose weight, then maybe “someone” would care about me again… All I wanna do now is sleep, escaping this world. Flying of into a new and better one that would only go as I wanted it to, but somehow they all turned into nightmares.
Scary monsters scared off the people around me. Leaving me behind to join them… I have promised a lot of people that I would stop cutting, and I will… It is a selfish act witch hurt the ones around me more then me. I have finally realised that they don’t make anything better, but worse. They no longer relief’s me from the pain; I know now what does… 
