  This is my first page in my new “diary”. I was inspired by a new friend of mine, who I met on Excasco. Excasco is a Forum for ppl who don’t want to live or have huge problems, like me… Last night I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I was going to Mallorca on holyday and I wanted my two best friends with me, but they didn’t want to come along, cuz they think it would be funny enough.
So I had to chase them in a kinda future space station or something. And I’m the kinda person who believes that dreams mean something, and I translated this dream to this: Mallorca is an symbol for something I look forward to, something good in my life (and believe me there isn’t much of that) but my friends didn’t have the same point of view (cuz I’m a lot different from them) But I really want them to see me as me (that’s what the chasing means) The future space station thing, means that I’m in a place that’s alien to me. Their world! My thought: It’s sometimes funny how dreams can tell you something you don’t want to admit to your self.
Today I also started starving myself again. But it’s hard to get started after a week of normal eating. But here is what I ate the entire day: I started by eating a mint pastel (cuz my throat aces) Then around 12 o’ clock I drank 2 cups of low fat water coco (cu my throat still aced) Then I started to run a little,but it was raining and freezing outside, so I had to quit after 2 km (not very long) And then my (stupid) parents made my favourite meal (chicken) and I couldn’t resist, but I only had a small portion. Now I just feel like I’ve let myself down again… Why can’t I do anything right?! I can’t throw it up again. Sticking two fingers in my throat don’t help. Why I don’t know, but it’s ignoring. I hate my body! Today I was also feeling really dizzy. I think it was the overdose of pills I took last Wednesday. The affect does first really kick in 3 days later. I was so dizzy I could hardly stand and my eyes was blacking out all the time, so I lay down and slept for 6 hours.
A waste of time if you ask me.. but then again I can’t really find anything else to spend my time on. Why I even bother living is a mystery to me… My mood today: I have been in a bad mood all day. Snaring at every one. Drawing my self away from the rest of this sick world. And I finally told my mom that I don’t want her so called “help” in this.
And I don’t want to give her my confidence. Now she is officially a stranger to me. But it is probably also best this way, she is the biggest reason why I’m feeling like this. She is always putting me down and she has never loved me so… why bother? I know now that my life is going down road again after the few days in my life that Lars (my now x boyfriend) made better. I know now that I’m probably not gonna live through this…! Before it gets to boring, I’m gonna finish this page in my life by telling you that I’m only gonna spend the rest of the evening by watching TV. 
