  On Becoming A Cult Literatus People often say to me, "Andrew, how do I become a writer? " . "Well," I tell them, "It's a bit like this..." : TEN POINT PLAN TO ACHIEVE CULT AUTHOR STATUS 1.
Become famous before the book-buying public have read a single word Your arrival on the literary scene requires a fanfare. Stories about "telephone number advances" and being "the find of the London Book Fair" will help here. Even better if you can get on the Granta Young British Writers list before a single copy hits Borders. 2. Your past is more important than your present A few minor indiscretions in your youth? Bring them on, it all adds to the mystique/branding. 3. You have to look good on a dust jacket Who cares if you've written the next Ulysees ? Unless your face shifts units then the marketing department won't want to know.
Men may seldom make passes at girls in glasses and the book-buying public would prefer you pouting/chiselled too. 4. Tick boxes shamelessly It's not just about narrative anymore honey, you need metanarrative and allegory too. Multiculturalism or probing notions of national identity help. Otherwise just stick to sex and/or drugs. 5. Write with film-optioning in mind What could be better than being "the book of the film" in terms of boosting your career?
Even better if you're on hand to write the screenplay. 6. Champion fashionable causes Being cause celebre is not an end in itself, you need to have opinions on everything -- from fishpaste to politics. Don't worry about developing any form of theory, a soundbite will do. If there's a war on, then oppose it. Party politics is a little more tricky, as a first resort be against the government of the day, but it generally doesn't do any harm to be on hand for governmental soirees.
7. Write a disappointing follow-up to your debut You could write the literary equivalent of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music , if the marketing power is there then people will buy it based on your debut. You can then "return to form" for the critics with the third. 8. Be in a milieu You need a scene to be associated with, other authors to refer to you in interviews and by association. Don't worry if they're not very good. 9. Develop another string to your bow You're into music as well?
Really? Do you fancy a spot of rock biography or commentary to broaden your scope as a literary figurehead? 10. Make sure your agent submits you for as many literary prizes as possible The actual financial awards given by these things will be pin money to you, but the assistance in shifting units is immeasurable, even if you're only on the shortlist. Tongues will wag if you fail to get that far. 
