  March 24, 2004 - The day that ... uh ... I didn't do much of anything except set up a blog. And report a dead (or dying) cow. Who knew there was such a thing as a livestock officer at the sheriff's department? By the way, I really don't understand some men. I am not the most trusting individual in the world, and I have a pretty good BS meter, as well as a decent "this person and I are just not going to click" meter. I also have the uncanny ability to tell if somebody is a jerk the second I shake hands at a first introduction, and that has never failed me. Every once in a while, somebody manages to not set any of that off, and starts to gain my trust. Conversation goes really well, they say they want to be friends, and that goes along really well, then things start to get closer (sometimes remaining platonic, sometimes not), and suddenly - *poof* - they're barely speaking to me anymore. I acknowledge I'm a boring person, but as long as we're not talking about my life, I can hold a fairly decent conversation, even if I do sometimes get into a bout of ... well ... whackiness, to put it nicely.
I'm not much of a conversation STARTER, and if the other person isn't giving much response, I do tend to dwindle off, but overall, as long as it's going back and forth, I do ok. I'm tempted to say it's something about THEM - that always seems to be what people say when you bring these things up, attempting to make you not feel so bad about yourself, which is nice, but is it being honest? Really, this sort of thing happens so often, I think it's something about ME instead. I haven't had many relationships, so maybe I'm simply not catching something that I don't have the knowledge of to be able to catch. I don't know. But if they're so damned uninterested, why do they keep me around? More importantly, why do I stick around? Why do i keep hoping for something to change when I know perfectly well it's not likely to? Why am I unable to just ... drop them, tell them that if they can't be consistent, I don't need them in my life, then move on?
Maybe it's just that I so rarely seem to click with anybody on any level that makes it difficult. Don't get me wrong, I don't have this trouble with every guy I get along with. There have been plenty I get along with on a buddy level, but even those sometimes ... Maybe guys can't see girls as buddies?
Though since I only ever saw them as a buddy sort, it's not quite so bad if they disappear. .. That's a whole other string of thought. No, it's these ones that I click with on a much deeper level, that feel like .. It's silly to say, I suppose, but they almost feel like they could be me, or a part of me, or that if things were vastly different, somebody I wouldn't mind have a real relationship with. It's these ones that are so hellish on my psyche, and I've never quite learned to guard against them. Thankfully, they're a rarity. signed - Me 
