  ::crash:: Argh, god.... So much pain. Worse than losing somebody I was so interested in is having lost a friend. I tried to look for a bright side, like maybe, now that I'm not distracted by somebody else, maybe I could try again to turn things around with husband. So I went to bed this morning, crying some from the last conversation I'll probably ever have with the friend I lost, and I slipped my hand into husband's. He was asleep, so he didn't take much notice, and since I was crying, not like I was going to try to wake him.
As I lay there looking at him, I knew .. realized ... knew .. that there was nothing to salvage. I think finally and totally realized it, in that place that had always held out hope. This is what the friend had given me. I was thinking to myself yesterday that the measure of a good or bad relationship is what you take away from it, what the other person gave you.
And I couldn't think of anything that made me any better or worse off for having known K, which saddened me. But I know now. As I was thinking this morning that I had been trying to maintain contact with K in the hopes of salvaging what I felt I'd lost with him, knowing now that it is unsalvageable, I saw the parallel with my marriage. I'd seen it in other ways before with the dwindling in both, but this time... Now I have to figure my way out before I suffocate from it. I could feel it closing in on me today, as I cried for everything I've lost. Uncontrollable, wracking sobs.
Ones too strong to keep totally silent. If husband heard them, he never came to check on me. Of course, I don't know what I'd have said if he had - "Yeah, I was really infatuated with this other guy and now that's over and I'm devastated by it, and I want a divorce. " Sh'yeah, that'd work. How do I get out? And I have to say it, just once - I want K back. I know I can't have him, but that doesn't ... ::sigh:: .. I miss him. Or rather, what I got from him at one time - feeling wanted, cared about, desired.
The allowance of expression of all that I have to hold in. I don't know if I'll ever feel that way with anybody again. It's hard to see it, hard to believe it will ever happen. I know it wasn't real, but the spots in my brain that process the good feelings a hug or a kiss or a touch bring about didn't know that. I feel like my body is caving in. Like my soul is withering, pulling away from the tissues of my body, curling up to hide.
Why can't I stop crying? I want to run, but there's nowhere to run to, nobody to run to. I want to be held and stroked and cuddled and there's nobody there, and I'll tell you something, hugging yourself isn't the same. Trying to curl into the corner of the shower stall for cuddling isn't the same. Need to whimper, need to scream, need to run. This is how heartbreak feels. signed - Me 
