  I don't know what it is but I feel really good right now, really ridiculously good. In an interstellar burst I am back to save the universe. Already this morning I have talked to people, which is a luxery I no longer take for granted, and last night I had a good time with good people.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do for the rest of the summer. I may get a job, I may not. I will continue writing the book, and I got a great idea last night for a chapter later on in the story. I might write it now and insert it later on. I might be returning to the cottage later this week with the family. I hope to hang out with Nate and company more often. Have you read Howl by Ginsberg? It is so beautiful. This morning I feel like I want to DO all of it. There is no other explanation. I want to pass out in the middle of the street, write in the middle of the night, cry in the shower, talk constantly about everything in the world, be silent for long stretches of time, go places, meet new people, allow my moods to take over and stop fighting my true nature.
Read so many books that I mix them up mentally, and make an honest effort to quote them all in conversation. Meditate more, and read every single verse in the Dhammapada (quote those too) and more Han Shan poetry. I want to call people out of the blue to tell them about poetry. I want to write 4000 words a day again. I want to throw myself at the book with renewed energy. I want to say all of the things I have never said to people. I want to cook a lot, and cook all of the crazy asian food I want to cook, along with the normal stuff.
I want to laugh for no reason, and remain silent when everyone else is laughing at stupid things. I want to be solemn and crazy. I want to be ridiculously happy and terribly sad. I don't want to pretend I'm ok when I'm not. I want to be honest every day, completely. I don't want to hide a single thing from anyone. I want to dream about other countries.
I want to know about Islam, and Bahai'i, and to know more about the religions I already know about. I am open to God if he comes to me. I want to sit on the ground or in Tim Hortons and talk about revolution and politics and global events and the future of western civilization. I want to make Liz perfectly and completely happy, although I'm not sure how. I know how to make myself happy, but I am much too in love with sadness, and too youthful yet.
I want to talk in whispers. I want to listen to John Coltrane again, and all kinds of Jazz, for hours. I want to be very kind to all of my friends. I want to love truly and honestly and deeply and unconditionally every person I meet. I want to play music, all kinds of music. I want to be an angry intellectual again. I want to collapse completely.
I want to meet a prophet. I want to scream. All of it. I want to do all of it. And more than that. 
