  Sometimes I wonder if the problem with me is that I am blinded my own ego. I have begun to wonder what the deal is with me. I wonder sometimes if the problem is I see myself more than what I truly am. Am I not as attractive as I think I am? Do girls not see me the way I see myself? Should I think more lowly of myself? I think that maybe if I did that I wouldnt shoot so high or go for girls that I cant get. Then I think, is my problem that I am just not going for the right girls. I have reviewed all the people that I have dated lately, which has been quite a few and I think that maybe the problem has got to be who I am dating and not myself.
Then I think that way of thinking is the problem and the reason I am constantly disappointed. I think "I have all these gorgeous girls that just want to be my friend, but none of them want anything more than that. " What is my problem truly? Am I ugly? Am I not nice enough? Am I not mean enough? Do I not make enough money? All I want is to be myself and for someone to like me for who I am, not because of how much I fit into society's click. I dont want to be like the guys around me or think even a thing like they do, but yet its those scum that seem to win the girls.
Then I think that I have spent all of my life being the outkast and the weird one. I have always been set apart from the rest of the crowd. At one time it was that seperation that made me special and even feel special amongst everyone around me. Now it just makes me feel lonely. I am tired of being rejected and for no good reason. People all love me and want to be around me, but none want to get close enough to fill this void in my heart.
This is a lonely cold world that I live in. I could choose to be someone different and wear a mask like the rest of the world, hiding from who I am and the truth about how life truly is, but in the end I know I would not be happy. Instead I take life and embrace its truth. In the mean time, it makes me feel like I am going to go crazy. My codependant nature makes me crave a connection with someone, even on the most minimal level. I have begun to appreciate the platonic relationships I have with the numerous women I spend time with. I can appreciate them for who they are without them having to worry about me chasing after them or trying to get into their pants.
In the mean time, it has left a bitter taste in my mouth for the rest of the guys that I know. All they ever seem to be interested in is winning that girls panties or the prize of some temporary physical reward. I am tired of persuing goals that leave me in the same state as I started when I finish the race.
Meaningless sex hardly is even a positive thing in my head anymore. The last girl that I slept with was a feable attempt on my own part to somehow win over something more than just sex in the end. Of course it was no surprise when in the end I was left with the same empy feeling as when I started. To be honest it has made sex even seem poor to me. The last time I felt anything when I slept with someone was when I was with Vanessa.
Of course I find out now that it meant nothing to her. To her it was just "crazy times" as she put it. I really should not have been surprised at all. She was in such a vulnerable time then that I only imagine that half the things she said and did, she did not mean at all. Of course it takes those happy times I had in my memory and dashes them on the rocks. It makes me feel like another whole year of my life was wasted. I feel like a fool because it was me in the beginning that said that it would end this way but I simply chose to forget it and try to make the best of the situation. At least Vanessa came out alright in the end, or at least better off. I think that most people in this world are not compatible with me.
Most have issues that I cant or dont want to deal with. The last girl that I wanted to try something with I found was cursed with Herpes. Frankly I could never get with someone that had any STD, even if it was just at one time and had gone completely away. So what am I left? If most girls are dirty, or psycho then I am left with this tiniest percentage of girls that I can choose from. I feel like because of my past that I have become too picky but if I wasnt then I would end up unhappy anyway. Should I continue to be this picky and take the chance of being alone in the end? Or should I just start settling for those girls that I am not attracted to or have nothing in common with? I dont know what to do anymore. I am deathly afraid of dying alone or even just growing old alone.
I feel like my days are numbered. If something doesn't happen soon for me, then there is a chance that it never will. I wish I could just make a ton of money and just steel away the people that I hold dear. I want out of this town and away from the same old thing. Most people strive to be different but all they end up being is like everyone else. I am tired of people being sheep and not having a mind or life of their own.
I am tired of the leeches of this world that cant seem to acquire anything on their own, but simply want to feast off of the riches of others. I am tired of the things that I hold dear being taken away from me. I just want to find someone that can look me in the eye on every level and at least understand who I am and why I do what I do.
I have begun to think that I will never find it. I thought that I had found it but only found that I was just a joke. Maybe I should just start trying to get used to being alone. I should stop trying to make other people happy because no one really cares about making me happy. Still I have little pleasures left in this world and making others happy does give me some kind of joy. If I stopped, then I am afraid I would have little to nothing left to find pleasure in. Its a shame that I am left with making others happy because I cant seem to find out to make myself happy anymore. I keep thinking that living like a monk would be the true answer to my happiness. Everything I read about being truly happy all say the same thing "Simplicity is the key to true happiness" .
Normally I would agree with that fully but my life could not be anymore simple anymore. I have little to nothing to show for anything yet I am still miserable. Of course I think too that my life could be a lot worse, but if it were I am not sure I could handle it mentally. Oh well, I know that this entry has been pretty sporadic and hard to follow but my mind is about on the same level lately.
There is nothing that I can put my focus on anymore because every good thing is tainted by a black spot that I have to avoid now. I instead spend my time taking advantage of the good times and running from the bad. I dont even bother to talk or act on the things that affect me negatively.
I just run. Is that bad? Is it wrong for me to turn away and refuse to deal with the things I cannot change? My feelings and opinions of others I fear is beginning to affect my normal everyday life. I wish I could go back to being simple minded and not knowing anything about the people around me. Instead I know too much. I know more information about people than I would ever care to repeat. If I could just forget what I know and block out everything else I hear then I would be fine with the people that surround me. Instead I am stuck with knowledge that makes me dislike people in general. Everyone has dirt on them and it taints my image of them.
Its this town in general. I was just talking to my latest platonic friend Miriam about the same thing this weekend. Both of us see this town the same way and that its grown old because of the people within it. I wish I could just start over. I wish I could forget the good times and the bad. If I could forget the good times, then maybe the bad times wouldnt seem so bad. Maybe I wouldnt have the problem I do with some of the people in my life. If I could have my way I would just filter out half this town, but instead I am left to just deal with them. How will I get by? I couldnt tell you.. 
