  How fatalistic. So much has changed recently though. B was just saying to me the other day that things have changed and now will never be the same. My philosophical side countered that, theoretically, things are constantly changing, we just adapt so seemlessly that we don't notice, so really it's not when things change that it's bad--it's when things don't. He didn't buy it. I spent HOURS on the phone with Ani tonight. He's doing his best to figure me out, but I know I've got him thinking hard about what he's doing after me at all.
I am playing HARD to get in the most hardcore way. I understand the reasons why, and to me it's absolutely reasonable, but I can't explain those reasons to him. He keeps saying that the novelty is going to wear off, that I'll get tired of him and drop him like a bad habit. And Ani's always telling me that he's going to be so heartbroken when I leave him in 6 or 7 months. He can already see the end, yet he's still pushing on to be with me. He absolutely boggles me. Although, my studies of interpretive Buddhism for my RLG exam showed me an article where the author said that people endure the longing because of the pleasure that comes when their cravings are satisfied--conventional ways of pursuing happiness produce sorrow instead. I don't think he's sorrowful, but he must be relying on the evidence of his senses. We joke about the mile-high wall around me, but he's talked about it several times without a trace of humour in his voice. He keeps saying that he just wants to get inside me, inside my head, get to know who I really am.
He's right, I keep up my guard almost constantly. Probably because I've got no business getting into a relationship with someone else now. He said something tonight that boggled me--he told me that I'm probably going to leave him for B, or at least go back to B after we break up, and that I'll probably end up marrying B. Is it so obvious? That's cruel, though. I don't mean that, or at least I don't know well enough to say yet. It's very dangerous, my time with Ani, he's a really great guy--absolutely, genuinely kind, he's sensitive and emotional and intelligent.
He wholloped me at chess the other night, three times in a row. Schooled me, the bastard. Yet, I never wanted him so badly as I did after losing like that. He just does that to me, get's my juices all going. Back in October, when I first really understood my attraction for him, I remember getting light-headed--like a giddy little freakin' school-girl--when we'd hang out. When our fingertips would touch as we passed a joint, or evening just sitting next to each other on the couch, his hands grabbing for my feet constantly so he could crack my toes.
And that fateful comment. Sitting out on the observation deck of his building, he commented on how short I am, and I told him that's why I've got to have a tall man. Oh yeah? he said. And dark and handsome, too? Iy! I took that one to bed with me a lot of nights. Actually, that was maybe more of a teeth-brushing fantasy. Bedtime ones were like the afternoon that was our most unusual. After our regular scheduled program of joint, OJ, a bit of TV and a lot of gab, he left the room, then the apartment really suddenly. He was gone for a while, so I stretched out onto the couch across where both of us had just been sitting (still warm!
) and started to drift off. Then I opened my eyes, I'm sure only a moment later, and he was standing over me with a cute little grin on his face. He bent down over me and said, totally straight-faced, "what would you do if I kissed you right now? " The answer, we found, was kiss back. There's really not much that beats rolling around with that boy.
His stubbly beard gets a little prickly sometimes, but his skin is so soft and warm and smells like something of summer, his hands so comforting yet unnerving. Yow. I wanna do bad things with him! Real bad! So I'm having my cake and eating it too. Gut rot is minimal, so I'm doing good. I'm gonna go up to 24 tomorrow. Ky got all giddy on Friday night, dancing around "Yer gonna go have seeyyyyex! " She's happy for me, and maybe even a little jealous, although she's got quite the boastful entourage herself.
This summer is going to be the most extraordinary summer I've had in all my years at U of T, 'cause of course it's going to be my first summer actually in the Dot. My fantasies say that some days, after work, I'll go for a swim, have a shower, then pack up some stuff and head down to Ani's. We can go for dinner, drink some wine, hop in the jacuzzi when it gets a dark... And of course, endless activities that we can do in the boudoir.
I'll get up the next morning and head to class, and then, we'll have the rest of the day for fun in the sun, etc. It's going to be the most unusual, and hopefully one of the best summers, I've ever had. It's a really nutso-smasho battle of emotions going on inside me. On one hand, there's B. The old, long-time boyfriend. He's changing, and I'm finding it hard to read him lately, but that can only be expected.
I love him infinitely, but there's something there that's just not right. I shouldn't feel so trapped. One Sunday, the Sunday, I remember waking up at five in the morning with him just draped over me, and I pushed him off grunting "I need some space. " Although nothing has been quite so disconcerting as the dream I had last summer that he was really my son, and that's why I love him so much. That it's not a passionate love, but the unconditional love of a mother. Freaky-deeky. On the other hand,there's Ani. He's sweet and very persistent, and I really appreciate his honesty and realism, especially about me and us and our situation.
But I'm not sure that I'm really starting things off on such a footing that our relationship, or whatever you wanna call it, will bloom into something really meaningful. So do I stick with what I know and lose the chance at something new, or do I risk everything I've built up thus far and go for it with Ani? I suppose in the next few posts, I'll start hashing that out... 
