  Glenn : Yo yo yo, this is Glenn, Duke of New York A # 1. Three smiling cents for the person who checks that reference.
It has been a boring couple of days. I went to Lake City on Saturday, to converse with my editor on my old movie project and get some equipment for my new movie project. So much wasting of the time. I also picked up a dvd collection of world war II Walt Disney cartoons.
Very interesting stuff. The gem in said collection is definitely Der Fuhrer's Face, otherwise known as "Donald Duck in Naziland. " He wakes up in Nazi germany and has to work in a munitions factory for Hitler. Of course it's miserable and hilarious, but then he wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. He hugs his little statue of liberty and says "I'm so thankful to be a citizen of the United States of America!
" Ahh, nazis. Comic gold! On Sunday, work. Not so good. I don't understand how people can just keep assuming I'm so stupid they have to tell me "Don't put my bread on the bottom. " Like what, I'm from some kind of alternate baggers universe where bread can't be crushed by conventional means? Man, I must quit my job a thousand times in my head every time I work. The trick is to have it just right, the quitting.
Let me break down the science of it. 1 - You have to do it in a way that is noticeable, but not completely over the top. You can't just slink into the back, tell the manager you're gone, and then wave good- bye to everybody on your way out. That's boring. On the other hand, you can't just yell "FUCK EVERYTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS! " at the top of your lungs and jump through a plate glass window. Firstly, that injures you, and secondly, it's very bohemian. You raise your voice to very audible conversation level, and say something like "Check the lot? Check the lot? No, I think instead I'll be checking out, bitch. " It plays on words, while it is still insulting to some aspect of management.
Which brings me to... 2 - Try to insult somebody who deserves it on your way out. Keep the deserve it in mind, though. If some old lady says "Could you please double bag that one? " you shouldn't respond with "I'll double bag your coffin when you die in a few weeks, you old hag! " She has lived a while, and any bitterness is probably caused by brain leakage or wrinkle fungus or some other gross old person disease.
Instead wait for the forty year old white fuck who says "Wait! Don't put those cans on the bottom, goddamnit! Hurry up! Son of a bitch, why did I get the retard bagger. " Then it's fair game to pick any of the following possible responses; a) "Your wife doesn't mind when I line the bottom of your bed with cans, you dumb fuck," b) "Sir, you do realize we carry this tube of asshole cream in extra large, do you not?
" or c) "Fuck you, you degenerate half-sunken, monkey-flaying, shitsmoke-dragging, cerebellum-gaping fuckasaurus. " That last one can basically be any chain of slightly creative profanities. Make sure that this is not a person who could kick your ass before you say any of these choices. If they can, go with the more simple "Bag the shit your motherfuckin self; I quit," or just "Fuck this, I'm outta here. " The colorful expletives are important because that helps you secure your non-returning to the job.
Otherwise you may inadvertantly leave your door open and be back as soon as you need some cash. This is how prostitutes get trapped. 3 - Check the time of your exit. Don't quit when you only have one minute left. That's retarded. Just finish that shift out and go out with a bang the next time you work. Also, don't quit just after you've done some horrible and degrading piece of work, like cleaning fucking shit off the walls of the bathroom.
Do it before you do that, so you don't have to do it. Duh. 4 - Be cool. Don't just say I quit, and don't just get yourself fired. Have some ready responses to your boss' possible prompts. Example: Boss - "Glenn, some dumb brat kid puked all over aisle 8. Clean it up. " Glenn - "Fuck no, bitch. " Boss - "Excuse me? What did you say? " Glenn - "I said get a hearing aid. Clean that nasty shit up yourself, because I ain't the bitch of Publix central anymore. I'm out. " Now, that example does not appear to have a whole lot of wit buried within, but it gets the job done.
It's funny and unflinching, and it pushes the boundary to getting fired level, but doesn't let the boss get the firing in before the quitting enters. Simple, but somewhat perfect. 5 - Have no regrets. Your job sucks. No bones about it. Almost everybody's job sucks, except for my friend Todd who gets to sit on his ass and drink wine all day. That job rules. Also, comic book writer is a good job, and so is fortune heir. But those aren't your jobs and your job sucks. So whenever you reach your boiling point and initiate the quitting sequence, don't turn back. Don't apologize and don't look back to your place as anything other than some massive building made of dog shit filled with pieces of dog shit with dog shit for brains.
Quit and smile. You'll get another job. In fact, whenever you pick up your last paycheck walk in with a big smile on your face so all those poor dumb fucks who still shop or work at that hellhole know you had the brains to pull off the escape. And knock something over so somebody has to clean it up. That's also cool. So, faithful readers, bear these thoughts in mind.
And just change all of the grocery crap to whatever your job has. Anyway, I'm out for now. Peace to the east. 
