  2004-04-05 08:10:00; It's barely after 8:00a.m. and I'm slighly awake and getting more so as I continue to realize how cold my body is even inside of two shirts and a leather jacket. I'm in a library. It's where I work and probably the best thing that's happened to me in a while, or since I moved to SC. It's a calm place in the music school where I'm currently working on a certificate. Here, I don't feel the anxiety I place on myself. The pressure to perform is not an issue. I came here for school, and I'm slowly learning not to be as I won't be returning in the fall. I feel as though I'm already done. I don't need this. I don't need any of this anymore. School has been a crutch for me.
Two degrees later I still can't get up enough courage to leave. I was the only one who didn't know I was hiding there croutched on the floor in the corner with my hands over my head refusing to come outside. I think I've finally opened the door, and when school is over in a few of weeks, I'll be completely immerged in the beginnings of what could possible be a good life. Music has been my life for so long - the only thing I really know how to do and have gotter quite good at punishing myself when I don't like how I've done something, which is all the time. I think being in school causes me to worry too much about what other people think - whether or not THEY think I'm good enough.
You see, I am a narcissist, because according to me, everyone spends their time thinking about how aweful I am. This isn't the environment for me. I have to remove my self for a while, for how ever long it takes to be sure of myself, to not put so much goddamn weight on what I think everyone thinks of me. A lot of thinking, I know. So, I'm excited about new prospects, rediscoving my love for music, learning how to appreciate myself, value my playing.
usically, I can pick and choose what I want to be a part of. I plan to be much more adventurous and explore genres outside of classical music as far as my primary instrument goes. Hopefully, in a few months I'll be moving to Chicago or some place like it. I have an amazing friend there who I'll be happy to get to know better. I'll have to work two jobs, and I'll complain alot, but it'll be worth it in the end. that's enough for now 
