  2004-04-12 13:35:00; I'm feeling quite testy today. there's a hotbed of anger brewing somewhere in the pit of mystomach, and I know who I can take it out on. I know where I want to go with it. I'm so selfish. No I'm not. I'm waiting for the day to be over so I can go home and not be bothered by anyone.
when I'm like this, i have to go into a cave until the quake dies down. There's nothing left for me to do but create - compose - record - play. I'm inspired the most when my mood is this way, and everyone wonders why my material takes on the tone it takes on. I played my cello a bit today. haven't touched it since Thurdsday. I'm so angry all the damn time.
I'm angry at it, at myself, at the people around me who seem to be getting all the things I've worked so hard for. I'm jealous, I'm enraged. Everyone else seems to be doing well. their lives are taking off while I haven't even started. my life it still. I'm waiting for the signal.
The weather is always too turbulent for take-off. On the other side of the world, where everyone else seems to be, it's a perfect day - no clouds, 70 degrees and a steady breeze. I'm struggling and nothing's happening. I hate that I'm so fucked up because that just means I can't do anything until I'm not fucked up anymore, and who the hell knows when that'll be? I just want to work and be successful. I'm not lazy, I'm not complacent, I'm a hard worker, and all I want is something to show for it.
that's it. it's got to be my turn some time. not anytime soon, I guess. 50 sounds like a good round number. For some reason I know I'm meant to have a hard life. I'm meant to be emotionally mixed up, confused, angry and narcisisstic.
there's got to be something I'm not doing. thinking positively hasn't helped. looking ahead doesn't help. staying where I'm gets me nowhere. I don't know what to do to change things. I'm in counseling for gods sake!!
I mean, for years now I've done everything I'm "supposed" to do to bring my level of happiness up, and get my life going. there's some trick i'm missing. I'm afraid I'll be like this for the rest of my life = always pretending - always trying to be in a good mood. waiting for the medication to kick in. huh. I'm at a lost - even god doesn't help. 
