  there's so much to say in such a short amount of time. i don't even know where to begin. everything is changing so rapidly it feels like my entire world is spinning in circles.
i don't even know who to trust anymore. and that's a really sad feeling. i feel like i only have 3 close friends that i can trust. that's about it. those are the people who i know are going to stay with me and support me through all of the shit that's going on right now.
as my cousin so blatantly put it, all of this "bullshit". and it is bullshit, it's just that i really don't feel like having to explain the way i feel over and over again. it doesn't seem like anyone will ever understand me. you see, i have a horrible tendency to live and love in the past. i spend my entire life chasing what the past was. and suddenly i realize that i am never going to catch it. once something happens and changes everything, you can't ever get what you had back. and it's really depressing to think about, but it's true.
i hate thinking that i can never have back what i had. and i hate thinking that maybe it was all a lie. thinking on back on that one time, that one time when i really thought he truly meant that he loved me, i can't even fathom thinking that it was all just a lie.
i mean, i don't feel like i can ever trust anyone again. people change their minds so quickly, and they don't stand up for their feelings, let alone tell other people their feelings. i hate the fact that some people are so terrified of love that they will do anything in their power to chase it away. i don't know why they're afraid though. it might be because they never had anything true like that before, because they think that it will end up stabbing them in the back... for whatever reason, people need to try and stand up and tell others their feelings, and not keep changing their minds, and backing away. it's not heathly, and it's not helping anyone. if you set your mind to something, you should do it. and never back out of it. i should talk right... i'm not one to stand up for myself. i'm more of the one to believe what everyone else says, and not even think twice about my own self esteem.
God, i just wish all of this could go back to normal. that everyone could decide what they want to happen, and everyone could get their way. but that's impossible, because everyone wants completely different things. and i pray to God that no one leaves. i was seriously thinking about flying myself down to south carolina just to get away from all of this mess, but my mom told me that running away doesn't solve anything, because your problems will still be here when you get back.
no matter how long you stay away. so i pray to God that everyone stays here. because we all need eachother more than ever right now. even if some people have really hard feelings for others right now, we need to stick together through this. no matter what tries to stand in our way. i really beg and wish of everyone that we can put the past behind us.
because i've finally learned that i can't love and live in the past anymore. because it's not doing me any good at all. i love the one who used to come into my room almost every day with a huge smile on his face, always looking to make me smile and laugh. i love the one who called himself cookie monster and spazzed out about every little thing. i love the one who used to help me clean the dishes and ended up spraying me with the sink hose. i love the one who made fun of me for the hip thing. i love the one who was always by my side. i love the one who held me when i was crying, and the one who whiped my tears away. i love the one who i could stay with in complete silence and feel whole.
i love the one who made me feel like an angel. that's the one i love. i don't love the pain and the hurtful words that come from him now. i'm always wondering where all the love from all of those poems and all of the love in his eyes went. because everything just seems cold now. and i wish someone would turn on the god damned heater.
sure, i miss the past. but that doesn't mean i need it back. it doesn't mean i'm going to spend the rest of my life chasing after it. because i'm not. we all need to move on with our lives. together. as friends. and i hope it all works out. for the majority of people reading this, you will have no idea what i'm talking about. well you know what, don't ask me, because you're not supposed to know. 
