  Last night's upbeat mood somehow degenerated during the course of the evening into complete mental meltdown. Went out to meet Hav and some of her friends in town, but ended up hating every second of it and wishing I was back at home. Freaked out like a total drama queen, embarassed myself in front of Hav's friends, tried to go home in a huff, ended up back at Hav's house feeling inconsolably guilty and stupid.
A padded room would have been a more appropriate venue for a person with my state of mind at this point. These are the stages of my PGCE angst: 1) Have work to do. Have been on holiday for three weeks. Don't want to do work. 2) Denial: Forget work, put it off, replace it with trivial, menial tasks such as paying the water bill and writing this blog. These make me feel like I've achieved stuff when in fact I've been wasting my time. 3) Guilt: Those who know me well will know that I am a 12th dan, black belt, grand master, heavyweight world champion at this. 4) Withdrawal: When I feel guilty, I like to hide in my flat and eat toast. Phone calls, unexpected visits and invitations to rejoin society in any form are not welcome. It's just me, myself and my thick sliced wholemeal. Attempts to socialise while in this state of mind only end in disaster, hence last night.
5) At this point I realise that I have been wallowing in this self-induced melodrama for a good couple of days and have achieved nothing at all, unless you count offending my mates and my relatives and regressing to adolescence. And shit, that work still needs doing! (Return to 1. ) Fuck. Tonight I am knuckling down and will attempt to break this infernal cycle so that this blog can be a happier, cheerier place for a while. Apologies to anyone who read this expecting a laugh. I will try to pull it together in time for tomorrow. Right. To work... 
